Wednesday, May 9, 2012
It's really kinda because I thought the parents wanted that.
They acted like it. Plus, it was on a friendly board with a few people who understood me and with a popular of my many accounts. I deleted and regretted it, right away. If I were feeling better, I wouldn't have done it. I was already fed up with the racism online. I wonder why suddenly everyone hates me if it was supposedly okay. I wish I didn't listen. I don't want to say they did it, neither, because that wouldn't be nice, but I think the father fesses up he did send that influence. That's good the mother can be at peace, I hope.
The Good That Has Come of It
People think that things were so bad that something had to give. Really, lots of people seem to like it. They just don't like me. I cared enough to wonder what the people I did it to were thinking and listened to what they said in the way they give a message. I know they were worried I'd chose to do it, so told me to. I think, like, it's like in the mental hospital when I think 2 African-American guys were fighting. One called one the "n" word, and the fighting stopped. I think this was the mother's idea. She knew I stomped in front of a kid at the mall maybe and was worried someday we'd meet and I'd accidentally hurt her daughter. So, she thought I had to get it out. I don't agree with that. Kids also aren't supposed to be rude and send you on a guilt trip. This was before this happened, too.
It's easy to affect the mind of someone younger.
Don't do it. Teach them to be strong 1st, instead. I really had something going.
There is also the idea that I am very guilty of 1 thing and others, but the 1 thing that's big is that I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online just to make it seem more fun. I didn't want to, but that's what they wanted, it seemed. I thought I was given a specific message. Unfortunately, a lot of good has come of it, it seems, but I prefer that it didn't happen.
There is also the idea that I am very guilty of 1 thing and others, but the 1 thing that's big is that I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online just to make it seem more fun. I didn't want to, but that's what they wanted, it seemed. I thought I was given a specific message. Unfortunately, a lot of good has come of it, it seems, but I prefer that it didn't happen.
Being Set Up to Lose Everything
People who don't want to be movie stars seem to get mad easily. They think that they can set you up to lose everything you have. I'm not really one to wait when I already know the answer, neither.
Singing!
I'm watching my new video of me singing Adele's song and will sing again now that I feel fresh.
Okay, I'm done with my shower!
Now to see how my video turned out. I wonder if I'm too tired for supper. I wonder when I'll go to sleep.
I'm not worth following.
Clearly, I need some time alone. I wonder if I should take a shower. I have some new pajamas. I didn't sleep all day, so I don't think I should go jogging.
I always knew, though I do something to impress people, that I'm not all that interesting. I bet I would be if my life were in order. Hey, I can post on my blog about that, but that's not fun to read. I kinda wish I had something to read. I can watch parts of "The Ellen Degeneres Show" online in my room. I should figure out something to do on IMDb, like what kinds of things to post, too. It seems I just need some time to recollect. On the days I don't take psychiatric medicine, I tend not to sleep as much. It doesn't feel good, though. I wish I got online sooner or later because sooner I would not be quite as overly addicted all of a sudden now, and after I might have had my life together. I didn't have as much hope for anything good to happen to me when I 1st started.
I always knew, though I do something to impress people, that I'm not all that interesting. I bet I would be if my life were in order. Hey, I can post on my blog about that, but that's not fun to read. I kinda wish I had something to read. I can watch parts of "The Ellen Degeneres Show" online in my room. I should figure out something to do on IMDb, like what kinds of things to post, too. It seems I just need some time to recollect. On the days I don't take psychiatric medicine, I tend not to sleep as much. It doesn't feel good, though. I wish I got online sooner or later because sooner I would not be quite as overly addicted all of a sudden now, and after I might have had my life together. I didn't have as much hope for anything good to happen to me when I 1st started.
Disastrous
I wonder if I should start writing more in my blog and filming myself less and doing it in the bathroom where you can see me better or if getting 3 new light bulbs will help. I guess I'll try with the 3 new light bulbs. I need to get in better shape, too. I'm asking my psychiatrist for a lighter dosage of medicine rather than how my dad and I decided I'd take this higher dosage every few days. I might take it every day then, but ultimately I don't want to be on it. I'm just doing it for my dad, at this point, and no one can force me to take it.
Ooh. 8|
That Adele video I did was disasterously bad. Some of it was funny to me... I'm gonna try recording it from further away...
Guilt
Why do people want you to repeat something you thought or said by accident as though you meant to decide to say it to them?
Wow
I just got over watching my videos. :/
I was gonna sing a pop song, but ... don't they sound like classical songs a lot of times. How about Adele?
I was gonna sing a pop song, but ... don't they sound like classical songs a lot of times. How about Adele?
What I'm Doing
I'm watching my videos, and, if I'm alone or the TV is free maybe, I'll watch "The Ellen Degeneres Show" at 3.
I'm uploading some new videos of me talking.
I'm uploading some new videos of me talking.
Good Points
Why do people think good points are punishable by death? There's no reason to wait. Some people don't have answers. They might be the cause but not on purpose.
I always dreaded being famous.
I was worried I would end up following that path when I was a kid. At one point, at around 9, I tried to make that decision, that there was not 1% of a doubt.
Something Special
People think that a balance in the middle is not very white. They think if you are concerned you mustn't be white. They already know and make that as the excuse. They don't realize that they are closer to the other extreme than you are and that they are jealous of that extreme and that there are varieties of things that don't have to be aligned with any stereotype.
Stereotypes
I notice that people of certain stereotypes, or at least one, follow the same rule. It's funny I find it's a way to counter the opposite in them in "what" they say.
"What" I am is not the same.
"What" I am is not the same.
Stereotyping a Culture
I guess people who move out of state early on or later tend to stereotype the 2nd culture.
From Florida
I don't really need people telling me what my thought process was. That's not something we do in Florida ... because I'm from there now.
Making Me Do Things
People focus on doing something bad to me, making me react when they don't want me to and paying me back with a bad thought.
Trickiness
So, if you knew right away that someone had a problem with something you thought, you could probably get out of it.
Oh, do you know ... where you're going to?..
Did you know people get mad when they find someone who is part Native American indian looks more white than someone who is part Jewish and the rest European?
Conspiracy
People think I need to be taught a lesson for getting thoughts and for feeling bad when bothered about nothing. I don't like that people are affecting my thoughts.
This "Gift"
Am I just a fake stereotype? That's like saying you're better at doing something without really doing it.
Petitioning
I don't like the way people's lives are based on petitioning against me thinking I don't have an all-knowing-ness of what's important as a human being.
Attitude?
Why are people so adamant about my attitude? People do things to affect me. Does that mean I need to be trained not to react, at all? Am I defiant? I guess not as much as before. I think it depends on how I'm treated.
Tonight
I'm watching some stuff and doing laundry. I have to sew my ballet slippers. I wanna eat something.
Fooling
People are fooled into thinking of what is right, but things get very boring and wrong in general.
Same Person
People just don't get I'm still the same person after a couple creatively had me listen to their fantasies to funly call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word. No one would care enough to get into that. I know if I had a better lifestyle just a little bit more, I'd dismiss it as silly for good.
The New Orleans Area and Texas
People from the New Orleans area don't find Texas as shockingly good as I do, me being from both elsewhere, Florida, and the New Orleans area.
I rule over as superior.
It's better to let things going, obviously, than to tie them up the wrong way.
People in Orlando are sick.
I was able to feel for my eyes the right way, but for some reason my head feels tall but more permanently than before. I wonder if my brain is even that big because it's not really working. It's not worked the same since I went overboard with doing too many things at 16, though those things weren't clubs like when I was 15. I was also fasting and dieting. I got fat after my aunt put me in the mental hospital. I mean, I don't know. I might have been a little fat before. I ultimately got fat when I did 2 ballet programs in 1 place for exercise because they didn't do much other than things other than leaping. I also got fat again after I was put in the mental hospital by the police for throwing things and screaming. I was there a month. It was neat getting out for the 1st time in awhile, but it wasn't good. It's a place that doesn't have comfort. You sit out in a room all day and do nothing. I couldn't take it when I went back again once for a day. I couldn't even sleep that time, though nothing really bad had happened to make it that way. The time before was more okay though too long and was when I thought a couple wanted me to call their daughter the "n" word. I didn't do that to her again. I'm refraining from using bad words now, though. People have been mean to me. Things were okay at one point recently, too, but got worse again after the mental hospital for a day. If I go back, my dad won't let me come home.
Quick to Judge
It's funny how people think of something and then act on it, trying to do what they saw someone else do. It's too bad they feel bad about it. I thought most people were able to look at the big picture. Sometimes, it's hard to know what people want and what's right to do, but it's funny the way things work out in time.
Waiting
If you're supposed to wait for something to get better, why would someone else make it worse?
I feel so bad.
Even after I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word, life could have been more together. I think I've pulled through. I feel like I've been pushed to think or feel some bad things. I don't know where I went wrong. I just reground myself. I feel so worn from visiting those doctors last week, having to wake up every day to do something 6 days in a row, when I'm recovering on a sabbatical and have found some grounding in how I function online. I know it's been 5 years, but still. It seems like it's been longer.
I just saw someone singing the national anthem...
...for an ice hockey game I think where a boy was holding up signs on what the words were. LOL!
Okay, it's time to watch "The Ellen Degeneres Show."
It's so cool! For some reason, I like watching her... It's fun posting to her on Twitter, too. }:D
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The Store
I was going to go exchange some things, but now I don't know if I have to. Maybe, I'll wait and see.
I've been sleeping.
I might go to the store tonight. I'm still tired, but I might go jogging. I'm also calling my grandma, as I do every night. So, as usual, I'll be online and watching TV around midnight. Tomorrow, my brother is coming home from college, and I don't know when he'll be up. So, I'm not sure when I'll be watching TV. Hopefully, I will start to be awake during the day. I do like being up at night, though.
I'm really all for being rich, though.
I've already decided that. I just want peace and to be out of trouble. Like, it'd be nice to have a big place all to yourself. It'd be nice to not have to work. You'd be away from people. I would fear people who I see in services, though.
Not Doing Things in an Attractive Way
I know I can't always turn on because it's hard, but I exercise and eat well.
Skin Color
My skin can look tan or light. For some reason, the flash is making it look pretty light. My hair is pretty dark. My hands are pretty dark, though. It's fine, though. I like being dark and light. I always thought people liked to be light, naturally. I suppose models would be dark. It must be hard to get an acting job if you're light, but I dunno. I think people would be interested in people with very light skin, too. I wanted to be light at one time, but then I was zealous over being dark. So, now, I'm not as light. Though, I see my picture I look white. Before, I was pink, though. I remember seeing in the news pink politicians, but now are they all tan? That's too bad. I guess whoever ran with Sarah Palin was pink, but Sarah is tan but with brown hair. I bet, if she didn't live in Alaska, she'd have darker hair. I did have even fairer features at the time when I was up north. I came back with fairer features.
You know what they said on "Hardball" once?
Will the real Mitt Romney (sp?) please stand up.
Did you ever hear of the song|rap, "Will the real Slim Shady, please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?" It's from 2000. Not too far behind its time.
Did you ever hear of the song|rap, "Will the real Slim Shady, please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?" It's from 2000. Not too far behind its time.
Awareness of the Past
I can't do that. I can't stand that.
All my problems come from racism and making me feel tippy. I do weird things. I don't know what to do because I haven't taken care of myself. I used to have certain goals. I learned I was bad because I both wasn't white and was privileged, the 2 going together. So, I didn't have those goals anymore. I was unaware. I get surprises. These things are all things in my head, though, nothing real.
All my problems come from racism and making me feel tippy. I do weird things. I don't know what to do because I haven't taken care of myself. I used to have certain goals. I learned I was bad because I both wasn't white and was privileged, the 2 going together. So, I didn't have those goals anymore. I was unaware. I get surprises. These things are all things in my head, though, nothing real.
Okay, I just finished watching "The Ellen Degeneres Show."
Wow, it was neat seeing all those people.
Empathy
I feel so bad. I got some store credit cards, where you spend money and pay later like $50 a month. I thought my parents would pay, but they don't have the money to spare for it. So, it's just a bill I owe that I have to pay if I work. Anyway, I have stuff I shouldn't have... I'll never know what it is to be poor. It's not the same. It's not the same as earning it or knowing what you need.
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