It is also true, I know, and others should already have known that I was already taught to let lose and use words like "stupid." Also, people were being racist to me.
People acted like it would be heaven if I used curse words because I could use them in attractive ways, not disgusting ways. This was like a big dream. I know it. People thought I wasn't okay. That set with me awhile. People weren't all nice to me, and I got called to the counselor and kicked out of my major.
People acted like it was just a cute way to be and a flaw. It set with me for many years. Then, I was told all this other stuff, like that it was good to be bad almost.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
I guess...
I guess I'll just keep looking prettier and improving in different ways. Eventually, I will have a place in the world. I'll get surprised at the good things that are bound to happen to me. Some of this stuff has really worn off, as well.
I guess.
I mean, I was willing to think outside the box in the process, but why did this have to happen?
The answer is not that a conspiracy exists, neither. I guess I just have to get used to it.
The answer is not that a conspiracy exists, neither. I guess I just have to get used to it.
So, what about...
So, what about this thinking I'm genius to think someone wanted me to call them the "n" word stop?
You can't torture me for that!
The reason I thought someone wanted me to do it is already proven. It proves that you can't torture me for that!
No Fair End in Site
It seems that the only answer is to make me suffer, but why not admit I thought someone wanted me to do it and that you're not supposed to torture people?
So, the main issue with me is...
...that it's not okay to feel sorry for me.
Some things do come up, like that other people are bad anyway and can't catch on and do bad things.
Some things do come up, like that other people are bad anyway and can't catch on and do bad things.
Taught to Feel the Guilt
I have a feeling people want me to be callous. Why can't people get this out of their minds? I guess it's what's important today. When bad things happen to me, people don't seem to care in the same way and definitely not at this scale. I am a bit bewildered. I know it's also so nothing bad happens to me, but I don't like this about me. I just wanted to be some obscure person online. I know there is no way that anyone even saw me do it other than one or two people I know kinda. I mean it's possible, though. It just didn't seem like it.
I am convinced.
I am convinced that just because I was nice enough not to think it was weird someone wanted me to call them the "n" word that I did it and that no one else would because they're too mean to think outside the box.
I was looking at a picture of how vulnerable I look in today's society. Only one thing is going on, you know, and it can't be fixed.
I was looking at a picture of how vulnerable I look in today's society. Only one thing is going on, you know, and it can't be fixed.
Hmm... ?:
I'm getting into trouble, I think 3 times now, for thinking of the word "kill," like to kill someone. People know. I grew up with everyone saying, "My mom's gonna kill me," so it just comes out. I've managed to twist my anger and it doesn't happen much. I don't think I've given people reason to want to kill me. Someone online said that, but we were in total rapport he wouldn't. I think it was an African-American boy. I just said, "You can't find me." This was on a virtual world chat place. For some reason, I haven't been getting that angry lately. There's so much in the past I wish I could alter. I think that would set me well, but I'm also taught not to look back like that. Nothing can happen now. It's kinda funny to think someone would want to kill me. It's just because of all the crazy ways people have been treating me since I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word, though. Okay, so, I guess it's true that people have been saying to use it in a friendly way, and that's what I did. There were no disgusting thoughts attached. If I had gotten more rest and were feeling better, though, I wouldn't do it because it's silly.
Why Oh Why
I'm thinking of all the things I did wrong. I wish I felt I was cool. Why did people act like I was such a bad person? I was so disturbed when I was called to the counselor at age 16 and kicked out of my major at age 19.
People even praise them.
They just feel sorry for who they are, you know, their background, history, and real life situation.
Big Bullies
People are always worried someone will decide they should poke into someone and suggest things that should never be suggested.
Helping Me Along
Well, it's become a big thing that if I make a point maybe it should be ignored still, though I think for some reason we don't have that problem as much anymore, like my thoughts day-to-day. It happens online, though, on IMDb. So, if someone helps me along in my "complaints," I guess that's reason for further analyzation.
Who am I? No, WHAT am I?
Am I just the product of thinking someone wanted me to call them the "n" word? I was getting up and at it when that happened. I guess it had to be included in my life. I've been good in a way, but I've had episodes, like not so bad lately though. Like, it's just I dunno, I don't even know if it's anything. I know this discipline existed before the incident. Why wasn't this a big deal before? I know the issue was floating in the air, and I think it's silly someone wanted me to do that. Really. It wasn't good for me, neither. It's only taken about 2 years, though, not 3 yet. That's hard to believe, but those 2 years mattered. Things are better for me healthwise now, somehow. I've had things happen, though. Like, things happen to me more than the curse words that have popped into my head recently, maybe.
I wonder how much I should regret going to college in New Orleans. I dunno. I just regret not taking 12 hours. I used to always post about what I wish I did. Let me get into it again.
I think even before I started, but I dunno, that it was said that Music Education is the hardest thing, and I was focusing on even more than just that. So, that rules out that dream. Basically, it's about performance and music education is more of a factory job.
Another nice thing I learned on my own was that the Bachelor of Music requires less general studies courses than the Bachelor of Arts in Music.
I'm thinking voice, but then I think of how I was recommended out of the College of Music. That's strange. I really went on a journey to another world when I did music up north during the hurricane semester. I don't regret anything I did other than going downhill in it because of my environment, like construction.
It's funny, there used to be a new building of the Music Communications Complex. Also, people often doubled in Communications and Theater. I guess I was set along the right path. I was too young, though, to realize what was good for me, for some reason.
Also, the ballet program was too much for too little. The college next to it, where I used to eat sometimes later on, had a dance major, but I just wanted ballet.
Now, it's a big thing that it's Theater Arts and Dance, too. The only dance program, though, is a minor in Ballet.
My mom told me my organ teacher asked why I didn't go into science. Also, my organ teacher said she'd keep teaching me organ. Later on, she said I could do whatever I want. She was from New Orleans but lived in the suburb where I lived. Her husband I think owned a hotel. She used to live in a popular neighborhood next to my piano teacher, who was in her 70s, from the Bronx, was Italian, and got certificates at Juilliard. When we had the adult choir party, though, she had a very expensive house. I think the rug over her bed was over a million dollars. I've never seen a place as nice as that. I think it all smelled like wine and made my head pump when I got home. I've never drank alcohol.
I know I took a hard course in high school and my grades dropped and I wanted to make up for it by doing honors in college, which turned out to be less work than non-honors courses. Major courses tend to be easier, too.
Voice would have been fun, but I don't want to be cut and sold into opera. I was thinking voice and ballet, but how would I take less courses that way? I guess it doesn't matter. That's what I wish I did, though I learned a lot from piano and organ.
So, here's the master plan:
Year 1 Semester 1
1. Recital Hour - 0 cr. hrs.
2. Freshman Voice Lab - 0 cr. hrs.
3. Major Ensemble - 1 cr. hr.
4. Voice - 2 cr. hrs.
5. Theory 1 - 4 cr. hrs.
6. Technology for Music Students - 0 cr. hrs.
7. Ballet - 3 cr. hrs. - I wish I dedicated my senior year of high school to ballet instead of splitting it up with gymnastics and music school. When I went to college, I was put in the 2nd & 3rd levels my 1st year.
8. Minor Ensemble - 1 cr. hr.
9. Honors General Studies - 3 cr. hrs.
10. Honors General Studies - 3 cr. hrs.
Total - 17 cr. hrs.
I guess I just had to lay off the sweets and pizza my 2nd year. I wonder if I could still fit in time to work out. I used to eat a lot of snacks, too, but healthy snacks like crackers and cheese.
So, that's enough of an idea for what I did.
I wonder how much I should regret going to college in New Orleans. I dunno. I just regret not taking 12 hours. I used to always post about what I wish I did. Let me get into it again.
I think even before I started, but I dunno, that it was said that Music Education is the hardest thing, and I was focusing on even more than just that. So, that rules out that dream. Basically, it's about performance and music education is more of a factory job.
Another nice thing I learned on my own was that the Bachelor of Music requires less general studies courses than the Bachelor of Arts in Music.
I'm thinking voice, but then I think of how I was recommended out of the College of Music. That's strange. I really went on a journey to another world when I did music up north during the hurricane semester. I don't regret anything I did other than going downhill in it because of my environment, like construction.
It's funny, there used to be a new building of the Music Communications Complex. Also, people often doubled in Communications and Theater. I guess I was set along the right path. I was too young, though, to realize what was good for me, for some reason.
Also, the ballet program was too much for too little. The college next to it, where I used to eat sometimes later on, had a dance major, but I just wanted ballet.
Now, it's a big thing that it's Theater Arts and Dance, too. The only dance program, though, is a minor in Ballet.
My mom told me my organ teacher asked why I didn't go into science. Also, my organ teacher said she'd keep teaching me organ. Later on, she said I could do whatever I want. She was from New Orleans but lived in the suburb where I lived. Her husband I think owned a hotel. She used to live in a popular neighborhood next to my piano teacher, who was in her 70s, from the Bronx, was Italian, and got certificates at Juilliard. When we had the adult choir party, though, she had a very expensive house. I think the rug over her bed was over a million dollars. I've never seen a place as nice as that. I think it all smelled like wine and made my head pump when I got home. I've never drank alcohol.
I know I took a hard course in high school and my grades dropped and I wanted to make up for it by doing honors in college, which turned out to be less work than non-honors courses. Major courses tend to be easier, too.
Voice would have been fun, but I don't want to be cut and sold into opera. I was thinking voice and ballet, but how would I take less courses that way? I guess it doesn't matter. That's what I wish I did, though I learned a lot from piano and organ.
So, here's the master plan:
Year 1 Semester 1
1. Recital Hour - 0 cr. hrs.
2. Freshman Voice Lab - 0 cr. hrs.
3. Major Ensemble - 1 cr. hr.
4. Voice - 2 cr. hrs.
5. Theory 1 - 4 cr. hrs.
6. Technology for Music Students - 0 cr. hrs.
7. Ballet - 3 cr. hrs. - I wish I dedicated my senior year of high school to ballet instead of splitting it up with gymnastics and music school. When I went to college, I was put in the 2nd & 3rd levels my 1st year.
8. Minor Ensemble - 1 cr. hr.
9. Honors General Studies - 3 cr. hrs.
10. Honors General Studies - 3 cr. hrs.
Total - 17 cr. hrs.
I guess I just had to lay off the sweets and pizza my 2nd year. I wonder if I could still fit in time to work out. I used to eat a lot of snacks, too, but healthy snacks like crackers and cheese.
So, that's enough of an idea for what I did.
Why can't I just ask...
...will I ever get better? I'm so dreadful of the way people around me are so schizophrenic.
Comfort
Does it give people more comfort to know that they gave up something they shouldn't have for something else?
I'm thinking also that knowing a balanced need is important, but some people have a desire for the extremes.
I'm thinking also that knowing a balanced need is important, but some people have a desire for the extremes.
Still Uncomfortable Around Me - Do I have to crack the case?
I just feel uncomfortable about being pried into. There was a reason I didn't feel like going home from college in New Orleans to Orlando where we moved after the hurricane. I guess this is it. Who knows what I would become if I were here. I still wish I came here and just secluded myself from the world. Time, please come back!
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