So, how did I get to where I am, today?

Okay, why do some people act impressed I called someone the "n" word because I thought they wanted me to?  I'm always trying to improve.  I know that things like this are considered cool, but I didn't want to do it really.  It seems like on the other side|in the other way no one believes me.  They think maybe that other people would be attracted to doing it.  I guess people are impressed with how I dealt with the situation and sorry that I had to end up getting into it.  I don't see how it had to happen and am confused as to who all made me do it.  Why be against me in any way if you wanted me to do it?  It's true, I don't believe calling someone the "n" word should really be a stain on someone's life.  I think it's just an obscure term that people are coming to terms with by using it in a friendly way, saying, "'Sup, my nigga?"  I get offended when I see people around me post things like that, but it doesn't happen often nor at all much on IMDb.  People are picking at me because of what I did and how I didn't want to do it combined, I think.

Strict Parents

I did care that I was good, but I was.  My parents seem to twist what I do and make it seem bad.  I already twisted the meaning.  A long time ago, you could do big things wrong.

I'm just surprised people actually care about things when my parents don't.  I feel soo bad.  I don't think they should be suggesting things to me when they think I should be more mellow.  Why can't they learn to let go?  I feel like I have good intentions and am sane myself, but I am wary to go out.  I don't like the way people try to impress me by insulting me.  That's quite stimulating, but I chose to ignore it.

I never really took a full break.

I lingered on like the Dark Shadows board.  I dunno.  It's hard to remember.

Sticking through is most important.

I wish I never took a break from IMDb.  I feel like a seasoned jerk!

Satisfaction

I don't really like to be overly-stimulated.  In some ways, I control how I feel.  I'm thinking I shouldn't be so silly.

Funny, I had a bad night but am having a better day.  I'm just glad I'm feeling better and know not what to do even more.  I can't believe I followed through with that.  Why do I feel totally different about it now?

Animals

I realized the problem.  People are all reacting now like crazy.  That's why I feel like being alone for awhile.

Being Positive

It's really a good thing.

Aha!

Maybe, I'll feel better, tomorrow, at least.

What's so interesting about me?  I know I get interested in what I write.  There's not much to talk about.  I like thinking up abstract thoughts like this and have since I saw how I looked when I grew my bangs out, for some reason.

I'm guessing my parents were older than people who are older than me's parents were when we were born.  That could explain older people thinking I'm so amazing and somewhat attractive.  I don't know.  I really don't look up to all people with older parents when we were born.

How can they?

People can't make me feel uncomfortable to live a normal life and try to prevent me from living a famous one.

Having Things in Place

I guess people with older parents have to have more in place.

How can this be?

I guess, it starts out that kids are allowed to do things.  After that, an experience is supposed to happen.  However, crazy people then feel sorry for people with older parents and only they can go along in society having already done what people with younger parents are set to do.

I guess I should be alone.

I'm thinking of how I was a baby in front of my parents.  I'm beginning to be more closed up.  It's just a preference I have ingrained and am allowed to do.

I dunno...  Maybe, I could be around people, but not like a whole lot anyway.

I just have private thoughts and feel awkward.  Maybe, I should wait a little.  I dunno.  Life does go on, I know.  I feel a bit disgusting.  I feel very mixed.  I feel like I'm not mixed right, but I was trying to.  It's just that people kept getting in the way and making me feel funny.  I got tired of putting in so much effort.  I feel pushed to do things I shouldn't be pushed to do.

My "Announcement to the World"

I guess I'll just have to make the best of it.  I'll try to act positively.

I'm also thinking of how people decide something is right just because they said so and they're older or something.  I guess you could argue that there's a reason, but, sometimes, people do things because they're wrong, on purpose, maybe because of the situation.

I'm also wondering about the thing of parents's age.  I never fully came to terms with the age of my parents, particularly my mom.  I think it seems that people with younger parents or like a younger mom tend to be more awake at the initial part of what they do.

At Risk

I'm wondering what I have at risk.

I did have a busy week.

A Constant Thing

I'm wondering if I need more time alone.

Tired of It

I'm tired of people rubbing off their conscience issues on me just because I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word, and, no, I wouldn't torture someone who did on purpose.

Reasons

So, I had a bad night and was a little snappy.

I forget what else I was gonna say.  ,:[   It's not that I necessarily have to post it, at least, maybe.

Bad Mood

I'm sick and tired of people throwing insulting feelings at others because of what they deem a mistake in what I do.

Vulnerable

I'm a bit upset.  I figure that I have something in common with my parents.  I am in a different position and find out what's cool and do it and that becomes me.  I don't like the way I'm judged up against my parents all the time now.  Particularly, I mean the way I think people would make fun of me being like my dad, at all.

Johnny Depp and as the Years Roll Along

I feel sorry for him. He's going to be 50 next year. He still looks young. He's not officially 50, yet. 50 isn't too old. I can't believe how old everyone is getting. I do miss when I was younger. I thought I was born too early, but now I feel I was born too late. I think I just made a lot of mistakes along the way. I cannot account that any of my college experiences, other than going downhill, were a mistake in and of themselves. I don't know what made me better. I had to go home and rest and get better. I wasn't totally attractive. I posted online, though, all the time, I mean really like all the time, since summer 2007. That's to make up for not doing anything before. I'm on a road to self-discovery. I just want things to go smoothly. I have a feeling I need more time alone. I do like singing, but right now I feel a bit inhibited. I might not later, though. I just have this feeling I'm so stressed and want everything to be right, but everything is based on the past. People do say to forget the past and in some sense do move on. I'm learning to deal with things more now, somehow, since my little incident last night. I don't know why or if that's the cause. I just feel better in my room doing things alone. That's what I'd done before. I started coming out only because I got so mad I threw my almost broken laptop against the wall and got sent to the mental hospital for throwing a rage. Sleeping helps, but I felt like waking up. Sometimes, I do like to be awake during the day. It's so nostalgic the days that have passed and all the mistakes I made that turned out to matter. The worst is when I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word online. People know and are getting over it, though. I think they're training me to have it ingrained in my head, how to respond about it. It's sort of getting brushed under the surface. I wonder if it'll come back up. I guess people are always forgiving, just concerned and flawed.