Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Stinging
More tries makes it sting more. I did start putting the solution of the contacts in my eyes that you leave them in and put on before you ptu them on, but you're not supposed to put them in your eyes.
Tired of Trying
I am partly tired of trying, but they are hard to get out for some reason. I did what I was supposed to a few times, and it didn't work. It did move, though.
Hard to Keep My Eyes Open Maybe
It might be because I'm just opening my eyes, but they're hard to open and maybe keep open.
Tonight
I can't get a contact lens out, and I feel very drained. Maybe, I'll be online tomorrow.
The contact lens is okay to leave in sleeping, though you're not supposed to. The doctor said it's the kinds that is okay if you do, though
The contact lens is okay to leave in sleeping, though you're not supposed to. The doctor said it's the kinds that is okay if you do, though
My Nose
In some ways it looks better. This is like the last straw. I just can't understand how people can cut into me in that way...
Whyyy
Something always happens that is awkward. When I went out, the people some kind of affected me, not made me feel funny, but like my nose looks bigger now at the bottom! It just has a different shape. I hate it when people tap into you that close and are up to no good. It's just something about me I have no control over. Someone affected me before about me nose, too. It's not literally out of wack completely. I also got a mark on it and have a huge flap of skin cut out under it for some reason and a crease there now. People are really hating on me for thinking someone wanted me to call them the "n" word online. I'm madder than curse words right now.
Message
It seems people are pretending and trying to get through to me a mix of the fact that someone didn't want me to call them the "n" word...
Discouraged
I stopped believing in reality a long time ago, sorta.
I stopped believing in it again today when I saw that I could be knocked out of a sensation or knocked into one.
I stopped believing in it again today when I saw that I could be knocked out of a sensation or knocked into one.
Benefits of Being Bad
Being bad but not downright nasty can have its benefits. You get it out. Some thing aren't appropriate. I guess taking upon oneself hard feelings is what's best. I used to do that.
Used to Have Negative Thoughts Running Through My Mind
I used to think negative things. I don't so much now. I'm a lot happier spending more time alone.
Why I Thought Someone Wanted Me to Call Them the "N" Word Online
I think they really did.
I just know that I shouldn't have done it.
I don't understand, though. If someone really wanted me to do that, then would it be nice if I didn't? It seems later that it was not wanted, in general. It was actually the caregivers, too, so the one I called the "n" word wasn't in fact in full consciousness of it. They sent that vibe. I don't understand, though, about me being picked at for posting online. Supposedly, that was already going too far, whatever I posted that wasn't bad. So, this was like quits. I remember now that it seems like it was planned that I do that. Now, people all around are so mean it's like I could die. It's not funny. I don't want to be picked on for something I though other people wanted me to do. I think people have stopped. It's just an uncomfortable situation.
I just know that I shouldn't have done it.
I don't understand, though. If someone really wanted me to do that, then would it be nice if I didn't? It seems later that it was not wanted, in general. It was actually the caregivers, too, so the one I called the "n" word wasn't in fact in full consciousness of it. They sent that vibe. I don't understand, though, about me being picked at for posting online. Supposedly, that was already going too far, whatever I posted that wasn't bad. So, this was like quits. I remember now that it seems like it was planned that I do that. Now, people all around are so mean it's like I could die. It's not funny. I don't want to be picked on for something I though other people wanted me to do. I think people have stopped. It's just an uncomfortable situation.
It's okay.
I guess it's hard to understand if thoughts slip why it would affect someone if it's not your fault.
I mean, it's not like you literally wanted "to do that." It's just something you were thinking of anyway.
Oh, so, it's not really okay.
There's a reason I'm not affected by it, and I guess it's because I've had to deal with it and was brought into it like wading in the water.
I find that sometimes younger people are more violent and appraised for doing so. I suppose, most people are brought up not to think bad thoughts. I have learned that that does matter. That is a sin. You can't want to do that. You can say to yourself, oh this word bothers me. It doesn't have to be associated with other people.
I mean, it's not like you literally wanted "to do that." It's just something you were thinking of anyway.
Oh, so, it's not really okay.
There's a reason I'm not affected by it, and I guess it's because I've had to deal with it and was brought into it like wading in the water.
I find that sometimes younger people are more violent and appraised for doing so. I suppose, most people are brought up not to think bad thoughts. I have learned that that does matter. That is a sin. You can't want to do that. You can say to yourself, oh this word bothers me. It doesn't have to be associated with other people.
Switch of Thinking
I guess I can think that I would say that someone shouldn't do something but not anything bad about them. Just that it's a fact I think and that there's a reason, too. I mean, I disagree with something someone does. I don't now, though, now that I've lived in the real world more, so-to-speak...
Why
I knew people could tell what I was thinking, which is a talent I wished to attain. I am also finding that people know about my past. Maybe not so much they can tell from the past there is. I know I've forgotten things.
I think it's more about the feeling self-destructive. It goes hand in hand with my feelings of wishing harm on others taking affect. I remember when I did that, but I wasn't in trouble because it was before I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word online. What I mean by harm on others is an abstract feeling. A bad example of something I did was, when I was in my bedroom, my dad and brother were making loud noises. The noises being made recently I couldn't stand at all for some reason. So, I took some knives, which were not the sharp kinds, from the kitchen and threw them in the room on the floor. Lucky for me, I wasn't in much trouble. I guess that's before I also got sent to the mental hospital for throwing things, but not like breakable things, and hitting the wall and screaming.
I just can't stand it when people are racist toward me. I find that people with more insecurities tend to be the ones who are like that for some reason.
I was brought up to think I take out anger in my thoughts, but I used to not think of anything about hurting others, just mad thoughts but maybe meaning things like that people are so mean that they are worthless. That's what I think of racist people who are no fun. That's what I used to be like, but I had stopped that I think as I grew up and I went to college.
I think it's more about the feeling self-destructive. It goes hand in hand with my feelings of wishing harm on others taking affect. I remember when I did that, but I wasn't in trouble because it was before I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word online. What I mean by harm on others is an abstract feeling. A bad example of something I did was, when I was in my bedroom, my dad and brother were making loud noises. The noises being made recently I couldn't stand at all for some reason. So, I took some knives, which were not the sharp kinds, from the kitchen and threw them in the room on the floor. Lucky for me, I wasn't in much trouble. I guess that's before I also got sent to the mental hospital for throwing things, but not like breakable things, and hitting the wall and screaming.
I just can't stand it when people are racist toward me. I find that people with more insecurities tend to be the ones who are like that for some reason.
I was brought up to think I take out anger in my thoughts, but I used to not think of anything about hurting others, just mad thoughts but maybe meaning things like that people are so mean that they are worthless. That's what I think of racist people who are no fun. That's what I used to be like, but I had stopped that I think as I grew up and I went to college.
Freedom of Thought
Usually, it says "freedom of speech."
I dunno. I don't know why they don't stress in politics that it's illegal to do certain things.
I just find that that's really been a bad thing. It doesn't say that you can get into trouble for calling someone the "n" word. That seems to have passed with my coming to terms of some things. I don't like how it's the shaping marrow of my life, the things I do. It's different things. It's like mistakes I make, too. No one used to act like they knew about my private life. So, to me, this is just a big change. I'm just formed to think that it's normal that no one can tell something you don't want them to be able to tell nor things that you wish you could communicate to them.
I dunno. I don't know why they don't stress in politics that it's illegal to do certain things.
I just find that that's really been a bad thing. It doesn't say that you can get into trouble for calling someone the "n" word. That seems to have passed with my coming to terms of some things. I don't like how it's the shaping marrow of my life, the things I do. It's different things. It's like mistakes I make, too. No one used to act like they knew about my private life. So, to me, this is just a big change. I'm just formed to think that it's normal that no one can tell something you don't want them to be able to tell nor things that you wish you could communicate to them.
If only I remembered the chain of events...
...I dunno. I grew up thinking you could think whatever you want and it's been set in stone for me, so I have to think of not doing things I normally wouldn't do. I seem to have gotten in trouble when I think of the word "kill." I don't know about you, but growing up kids used to say their parents were going to kill them. My mom has gotten strict to me in a way that reminds me of that. I think it's because she knows I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word online. It does go both ways. I sometimes hurt myself by hitting things, like slapping myself and stuff and afraid I'd lose my teeth. I don't know if it's from all the grinding I used to do, but I have a chip on a front tooth. Sometimes, thinking of killing myself is a miscellaneous thought that comes to my mind, but it doesn't anymore for some reason. I wonder if the medicine is helping me. It's medicine for schizophrenia. I wonder if I should take it every day. I'm taking it every 3 days now. It's actually changed facets of my life but not like calling someone the "n" word online.
Commercial
I just saw a guy seem like he was dark soft brown and look kinda African and then when back from images flashing while talking looked very different, with more fine edges than most people and light tan.
I don't watch commercials when watching recordings, but I saw something.
I don't watch commercials when watching recordings, but I saw something.
"Magic"
At the movie theater, I was busy feeling my knee, just sitting there and felt it, and when I got out it hurt so badly I couldn't walk. It went away. It felt like when I felt my hands harden when I went up north when my eyes were glued shut in bed.
I added this as #1 of #4 of magical things that happened to me on my MySpace.
I added this as #1 of #4 of magical things that happened to me on my MySpace.
It's not so bad.
It's just that bad words and thoughts come to our minds and we have to think of a way to soften and explain it to ourselves and others when we think of these things, in our thoughts and actions.
Misunderstanding as I Happened to Mention
People think Florida is a place that doesn't feel as physical and that doesn't have complex values.
Depression
A health-based eye doctor today read over I had depression sometime, and she seemed so accepting like oh okay like everything made sense now that a normal person should experience this! She was pretty attractive, too. She might have been about 65.
I wish I knew this before!
So, basically, even if the people you offended by accident, because you thought they wanted you to do something, "forgive you," other people still don't.
Yes, I wish I knew this before. I really heartfeltly didn't want to call someone the "n" word, but, because that someone is so extra-special and quite precious, it's different. I did call some other people that, but no one will ever know who they were and, in one situation, where I felt quite offset, I did it again and it was deleted. It's just that it was someone online who was trying to send a bad or offensive or critical message hidden in his writing.
Yes, I wish I knew this before. I really heartfeltly didn't want to call someone the "n" word, but, because that someone is so extra-special and quite precious, it's different. I did call some other people that, but no one will ever know who they were and, in one situation, where I felt quite offset, I did it again and it was deleted. It's just that it was someone online who was trying to send a bad or offensive or critical message hidden in his writing.
I just felt it!
Sometimes, I feel a tight pinch on my skin. It feels like magic, though. This stuff has been happening to me ever since I went to college in Cleveland. I know I have Barrett relatives there I never met.
This doesn't happen often. Before, it was a slice of my leg sometimes. I could see the dog react when it happened, too! It looked scared a bit, like what's that.
I added the description to my MySpace, #7: "Sometimes, I felt a slice in my leg like magic it was there. It didn't hurt. It was like a pinch. The dog reacted once when it didn't see me do it 1st, at least not a long period earlier. However, the dog was up ahead of me and I didn't do much when it happened. It acted like it sensed what I sensed, like lightening had entered the room. I tell you I am in league with reality."
This doesn't happen often. Before, it was a slice of my leg sometimes. I could see the dog react when it happened, too! It looked scared a bit, like what's that.
I added the description to my MySpace, #7: "Sometimes, I felt a slice in my leg like magic it was there. It didn't hurt. It was like a pinch. The dog reacted once when it didn't see me do it 1st, at least not a long period earlier. However, the dog was up ahead of me and I didn't do much when it happened. It acted like it sensed what I sensed, like lightening had entered the room. I tell you I am in league with reality."
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