Sunday, May 13, 2012
My Photobucket
I was gonna get rid of the ads for $3, but I don't have any money on my card. I spent it on the vampire costume. I might be able to put money on it, today.
Behind My Back
People now act like they didn't, but I know they made the decision to go behind my back and not let me live life as well before in my relationships. Why not? It's there. I know I'm right, though.
If I already knew...
...the circumstance of thinking a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online to make the word seem fun, then what's there to teach me? I already have the benefit of knowing not to listen when people try to cut me short like that.
The message just wouldn't stop.
I was already crazy posting online to people I think stalking my habits.
Guilt
You were called the "n" word. So what? You weren't made to believe you were guilty of calling someone that who wanted to for fun but wanted you to do it as a hint a lot.
It probably seems romantic...
...to think someone wants to call each other the "n" word for fun. I didn't get called back, so I feel bad, but now we realize it doesn't feel good to promote that kind of behavior. It might be nice to know me the little girl is innocent.
I know whose fault it is...
...back in December 9, 2009, we didn't have it set up that if someone was trying to send you messages to call them the "n" word that you don't do it.
Antsy
Some people have been getting antsy about me in defense of others. Me getting mad sometimes is what ruins it. Some people are just antsy about it. Like, I guess it shouldn't happen, but I shouldn't be punished for it. It's not my fault. My kids won't be like that!
I seem to be in trouble for...
...not trusting people to be nice with me because usually these kinds of people get attacked. Some people just know a lot about what's going on. I wonder what it is.
Not Much Time
There was an interesting turn of events in 2011. So, in a way, it's not so much time. Still, me thinking a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online to make the word not scary early on ... what was I gonna say? ... is not reason to steal my life like jail. I lost the feeling of what I was saying when I retyped what happened. It seems that the fantasy of me being tortured is going away and has for some time. Also, in 2010, I was in the mental hospital for a month. So, I was coming to terms with that actually happening, probably. I've been to one before. Never go there! It was okay when I was 16, but in Orlando it was horrible! I know it's better when you're under 18, too, though. It just seems like my life has stopped up since I was recommended out of my major and had to leave school from not being able to focus.
Strange
It's strange how this's wrapped up so conveniently at this time. Things are still not so hot, though. I had problems already. My life is still in line, somehow. It wasn't for awhile. I'm feeling better all the time, in ways. I dieted for awhile, but I guess I just needed to quit eating pizza all the time.
So, what happened was...
...I thought the couple wanted me to call their daughter the "n" word on the internet to make the word seem like just another word early on. Why would I actually sit there and believe that? I have other issues about not doing things like that, too. I am into being different, and I had ingrained in my head that curse words were okay, in a way, if they are not used against other people, at the time. I think it was ingrained years back. It was like a plan for one day. So, this message was not good. I was ready to live. I was already 23 1|2. Now, I'm gonna be 26. I regret this happening, but my life has also improved in some ways. I regret it, anyway, for what it is, of course. I'm a bit mad, though, that this has affected my life. This was a special time for me, but it's not so special anymore. I guess it was kinda okay but not all I dreamed. I am strangely happy to have discovered that I like "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." So, I lost 2010, 2011, and 1|2 of 2012. Now, that's a lot of time, almost as long as it was since coming home from college.
Something I Didn't Do
No, I always was a good person. The only reason I was saucy and snooty was because people wondered what life was if we were all good and there was no bad, like what happened and why doesn't it seem as exciting at 1st, like what happened to all the drama and fantasy about being good and having bad guys to defeat. So, that deals with that.
People think there is some stone left unturned, but I have seen magic. I get messages from other ways of life. Or got. I decided to experience this side of reality, basically, go back and set things right.
People think there is some stone left unturned, but I have seen magic. I get messages from other ways of life. Or got. I decided to experience this side of reality, basically, go back and set things right.
The Problem
The problem with me solved from going to the New Orleans area was the little things, like eating and people being nice. In Florida, it was like about safety and being cool and understanding your wealth.
My Picture
Picture
I was wondering if it was too flamboyant.
I also wonder, since I thought a couple really|maybe wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online to make the word seem not so scary, that I shouldn't be looking so hot. With other people, I do believe in forgiveness. I understand with me people are uncomfortable. I've lost some qualities about how I look that I liked, but apparently I've gained others. The couple does not wish ill on me. No one does, ultimately. I probably will tone down, but in a way I already have. That's probably what's happening. On me, the look doesn't look natural in some ways. I wish I looked more like that. I feel I'm developing qualities of where I'm from where I no longer live. Why does it look so much like I'm from New Orleans and not Orlando? That's because it matters that I didn't always live here. Orlando is a real place, even though the people here seem downtrodden, perhaps from the many insults I've thrown at in, which weren't really insults but defenses in how I was treated as far as racism goes. I stay home and get stronger, too. I do still like going out, though. I guess I'm not so much since my brother is home from college and I'm clearing the way from the house some it seems. It's so hard to believe it's true it's like I'm from New Orleans or the area now living in Orlando. In New Orleans, I was always the Floridian but not in a cool way. The possibilities are endless! It's hard being from a big city, probably how I got into trouble, yea. I just wanted to be safe and live in a small town. Now, I want to be a famous movie actress, but who doesn't? So, I guess we'll just see how things go and just keep going and hope nothing comes up. At least, I will. I can't expect other people to look after me. Time for a snack!
I was wondering if it was too flamboyant.
I also wonder, since I thought a couple really|maybe wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online to make the word seem not so scary, that I shouldn't be looking so hot. With other people, I do believe in forgiveness. I understand with me people are uncomfortable. I've lost some qualities about how I look that I liked, but apparently I've gained others. The couple does not wish ill on me. No one does, ultimately. I probably will tone down, but in a way I already have. That's probably what's happening. On me, the look doesn't look natural in some ways. I wish I looked more like that. I feel I'm developing qualities of where I'm from where I no longer live. Why does it look so much like I'm from New Orleans and not Orlando? That's because it matters that I didn't always live here. Orlando is a real place, even though the people here seem downtrodden, perhaps from the many insults I've thrown at in, which weren't really insults but defenses in how I was treated as far as racism goes. I stay home and get stronger, too. I do still like going out, though. I guess I'm not so much since my brother is home from college and I'm clearing the way from the house some it seems. It's so hard to believe it's true it's like I'm from New Orleans or the area now living in Orlando. In New Orleans, I was always the Floridian but not in a cool way. The possibilities are endless! It's hard being from a big city, probably how I got into trouble, yea. I just wanted to be safe and live in a small town. Now, I want to be a famous movie actress, but who doesn't? So, I guess we'll just see how things go and just keep going and hope nothing comes up. At least, I will. I can't expect other people to look after me. Time for a snack!
Lately From Orlando and New Orleans
I live in Orlando now. I've been in this area for 6-7 years, Orlando for 4-5 years. I lived in a New Orleans suburb for 6 years and went to college in New Orleans for about 2 years.
Orlando
New Orleans
Orlando
New Orleans
Copying Other Parents and Influencing Me
Why doesn't my dad think my mom made me the silly baby I was?
Also, just because other parents claim their kids are bad, that doesn't mean you can do it to me. Also, I don't care if my brother is different. I always wanted what was best for him. I'm not going to change who I am.
Also, just because other parents claim their kids are bad, that doesn't mean you can do it to me. Also, I don't care if my brother is different. I always wanted what was best for him. I'm not going to change who I am.
How My Dad Looks into Me
He thinks it's like a strict thing to say I'm like a joke. Sometimes, he's nice, but he just gets to feeling in a rut about the things I did wrong as misunderstandings, like thinking my life in college was an experiment and having to come home.
Was
I guess people do have to admit these days that once I was happily content to be ... as I was ... where I was ... close to the people who were close to me ... here in the home I love ...
Haha, that's a song. I saw the real thing.
Anyway, so, you can say in general I'm good. I just thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online as an ice breaker and to make the word really seem not that bad for some reason. I look into things, but I do get them wrong, though ultimately correct other than this. I feel I was pushed. I feel that the topic would get worse. I wish I knew then how to say no, I don't care, or no, I'm sorry. What happens when a person really gets confused like that? I used to be very much a perfectionist and, upon thinking my life was an experiment, seeing some magic things, and coming home to live with my family, I've only gotten better...
Haha, that's a song. I saw the real thing.
Anyway, so, you can say in general I'm good. I just thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online as an ice breaker and to make the word really seem not that bad for some reason. I look into things, but I do get them wrong, though ultimately correct other than this. I feel I was pushed. I feel that the topic would get worse. I wish I knew then how to say no, I don't care, or no, I'm sorry. What happens when a person really gets confused like that? I used to be very much a perfectionist and, upon thinking my life was an experiment, seeing some magic things, and coming home to live with my family, I've only gotten better...
Ellen DeGeneres gets through to.
I wonder if I'm the exception to the rule. Ooh. Big time. I'm pretty literal.
IMDb and Computers
Who's gonna read what I post? It's hard to click to get the posts to show up. I'm posting a lot. No one follows me. I made it interesting to follow. Actually, I believe some people click on some of my posts.
That was a pretty unsuccessful attempt at Blogger, yesterday.
Spreading my woes. I don't know how I learned and knew these words because I didn't look them up.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
I went through my Twitter homepage but didn't find anything to comment on.
Scary people. Doesn't make sense.
I'm tired of people bringing this up with me.
They keep thinking of how I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online. Most people understand.
Twitter is bad.
No one can see who posts to you but you, sometimes, depending on how many responses there are. Like Blogger, there is no calendar of events of commentary.
Some people have lost respect for me.
People need to stop testing others to be mean to me just because they knew I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online, though I deleted it and it was not with my main account. Only a few people who understand me probably saw. It looked like the girl thought it would be funny, too, the 2-year-old daughter I mean.
IMDb
IMDb is an okay site. A lot of people haven't found out about it. I see so many profiles get signed up for and nobody using them. Like all of them. I've only come across like 1 as I checked out different numbers that was being used.
I was looking for celebrities to follow on Twitter, and I guess I found Christina Aguilera. A lot of them have suspended profiles. I wonder if some people find it awkward if you answer them on Twitter. A lot of people on Twitter don't go on much, neither. I could understand, but I know there are famous people who enjoy getting on every day. That's something I don't understand. Of course, Twitter isn't set up in the most convenient way possible. I encourage all famous people to move to Blogger. Comments are enabled.
I was looking for celebrities to follow on Twitter, and I guess I found Christina Aguilera. A lot of them have suspended profiles. I wonder if some people find it awkward if you answer them on Twitter. A lot of people on Twitter don't go on much, neither. I could understand, but I know there are famous people who enjoy getting on every day. That's something I don't understand. Of course, Twitter isn't set up in the most convenient way possible. I encourage all famous people to move to Blogger. Comments are enabled.
People are making mistakes with me.
Because of their own weaknesses. They can't think the way things are.
So, I guess Twitter was quiet.
I guess it's the weekend. I'm gonna be bored for the next 3 months because I guess I'll be giving my brother time with my parents. I guess I'll have less opportunities to go to the store and stuff.
I found some people I knew on Twitter, but I didn't follow them. I don't think they use it, anyway. I'm kinda into Twitter now, for some reason. I was just sorta using it on the side to answer child stars, etc. I didn't care if they answered. They don't. Well, I've had some interaction. I mean, I don't care if they read it. It seems like they do, though.
It's interesting it's quiet. I was supposed to go somewhere today. I wonder what I'll do tomorrow. Same ole same ole. It's so boring being stuck with past friends who just don't talk to you. So many people are exaggerating qualities of themselves that make them seem a bit loony. I guess I'll have to stick to IMDb.
I found some people I knew on Twitter, but I didn't follow them. I don't think they use it, anyway. I'm kinda into Twitter now, for some reason. I was just sorta using it on the side to answer child stars, etc. I didn't care if they answered. They don't. Well, I've had some interaction. I mean, I don't care if they read it. It seems like they do, though.
It's interesting it's quiet. I was supposed to go somewhere today. I wonder what I'll do tomorrow. Same ole same ole. It's so boring being stuck with past friends who just don't talk to you. So many people are exaggerating qualities of themselves that make them seem a bit loony. I guess I'll have to stick to IMDb.
If other people have done something already, and it's okay...
...how is it earth-shattering for you to do it but in a different way, a different play on the literal?
I guess that...
...some people really know what they're doing.
All along, I've blamed Orlando for my problems. I literally was knocked out.
All along, I've blamed Orlando for my problems. I literally was knocked out.
It's too bad...
...in a way my old friends feel no need to talk to me. We can talk again and taper off later!
People should stop thinking I'm in trouble in the 1st place.
I don't know what I'm probing.
I know people like to be strict, but I'm not the kind of person who's done a lot wrong. I thought I already went through explaining some things without response. I guess people just like to celebrate the glory they can in order to foil themselves.
I know people like to be strict, but I'm not the kind of person who's done a lot wrong. I thought I already went through explaining some things without response. I guess people just like to celebrate the glory they can in order to foil themselves.
It just doesn't stop.
People are extra-harsh on me.
People are mean to me, too, with their suggestions, though it's like following suit. People don't respect me. They're the ones who ruin things.
People are mean to me, too, with their suggestions, though it's like following suit. People don't respect me. They're the ones who ruin things.
Earlier Pictures
I've lost earlier pictures of me when posting online. I mean I deleted them because I thought I'd get more like that.
I don't know if I should have waited at the time.
I wish I was more sensible. I didn't think hard enough into not switching accounts as I learned. I've grown attracted to using my real name.
Postponing and Being Excited About Online
It seems my excitement carried me over into forgiveness for not having posted sooner online at all.
My Brother
It's interesting to watch someone who moved when they were 7 1|2. He still seemed like he was about 5 but seemed 7 upon moving. Then, he moved a little into his 1st year of high school because of a hurricane. I can imagine what it's like not to move until you're 12 because I lived in southeastern and northeastern Florida until then and have never moved back.
People start out disorganized.
The goal is to organize what's important, and you will get your reward, in Heaven. Bad things can still happen to people like me who want to live.
Competence
People need to come to a swift decision as to what they expect of others, set the benchmark and say if they keep it it's okay as an agreement.
Why do people hone in on me for using curse words on the internet?
And said things about people at home and in obscure places?
I grew up not cursing and by gauging what I say about others. I just had a little fun, nothing serious. I told you I thought the couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online.
Like, I would say maybe, "that f-ing ..." or something along those lines.
I grew up not cursing and by gauging what I say about others. I just had a little fun, nothing serious. I told you I thought the couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online.
Like, I would say maybe, "that f-ing ..." or something along those lines.
I really feel I'm being told not to call my grandma.
For some reason, I haven't been doing chores as much lately, neither. I used to not because I was always in my room.
Coincidence
It's interesting it seems there's no reason to like someone because of having something in common.
I feel strange.
It feels like I'm not supposed to call my grandma. I am a bit tired for a 45-minute talk. Sometimes, you really do need a break. I am just wondering if I'll start being awake more and still call.
Tim Burton & Johnny Depp
For some reason, I like seeing Tim Burton, but I'm kinda shying away from them since Tim Burton not putting as many videos up of him as interviews. This was like 2 years ago.
It's the weekend.
She probably thinks I'm busy again, tonight, anyway, at the movies, like she said I would be last night.
It seems
people want me to stop and rest. I wonder if they saw my temper escalate or if it's because my brother is moderating the environment now home from college.
People
People of high standards always seem to want to get low in dirty in reality and not in what would seem like the normal desire.
I just don't know...
...if I should keep calling my grandma every day or not. I am kinda tired. I shouldn't wake myself up now.
That's too bad...
...some people have a default way of functioning against you. That doesn't make sense. That's racist.
It just seems like now is the time to take a stand.
If I don't feel like talking to my grandma, it seems I should just not call. For awhile, I wasn't even talking to her, at all.
Doing a Real One
People in Florida are so fake.
I mean, you can't just say that things have to stay the same when there are problems. Life isn't that simple, even in Florida.
I mean, you can't just say that things have to stay the same when there are problems. Life isn't that simple, even in Florida.
Lives
No one should give up their lives for being a stereotype of their generation. That's only a guide map.
I don't know why people find pleasure and joy in finding I'm in trouble.
It was all a misunderstanding.
Even if it's dangerous...
...I thought the couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online, it's more dangerous to spread the rumor. I didn't really have problems when no one knew. I mean, I could have. Still, I thought it was wanted. It doesn't seem anyone should admit that, though.
Regret
Because Tim Burton and Johnny Depp have families is why I regret posting about them, though I can still see it's the right thing to do.
Everyday Life
People seem to give up their lives in order for the ones they love. Bad things still happen.
I can imagine taking care of a family, but I'd see it in a more crude way.
I can imagine taking care of a family, but I'd see it in a more crude way.
I've lost over 5 years of my life to this nonsense.
Sure, it's improved, but it's not like I couldn't figure it out, in the end.
Out of Character
It's in the genes of some people to wipe out your memory, somehow, and do things, instead of you, like they don't have their own identity...
Fame
I don't like the way people are testy that you be in a rush to get famous, like they're not going to improve.
I was always considered a cut above the average.
Why try to test and tear me down now? The parents are already okay with it. Why try to convince them otherwise? It's not going to happen, again. I wouldn't mind being called the "n" word. However, the truth is that it would make the person calling me that feel bad, even if I did it on purpose to them 1st.
I also notice...
...that the people care more about and are nicer to the little girl than, in ways, they ever were to me.
It seems this is the fault of people who were mean to me in school.
It seems this is the fault of people who were mean to me in school.
I do feel so bad about it and did right away and deleted it, since I could.
I thought they thought it was funny. I think it was done so it wouldn't happen by accident and be all my fault. That's not normal, though. Who does that? Whose idea was this? It seemed unnecessary.
I guess people randomly feel like punishing me.
I honestly think it's a fetish. It's because I thought a couple and others wanted me to call the couple's 2-year-old daughter the "n" word on the internet. I wish they had it together, like figured that's what happened, rather than try to test if I'm guilty for a few years, lingering on it as punishment to make the little girl feel better. I don't think I'd have done it, though, if I didn't feel like I got a sign to do something weird like that. 1st, they did send my a symbol that I was the "n" word, which seems as good as saying it. I got a weird feeling I wasn't welcome as a fan of the father, and, for some reason, it felt like I had to ask why the girlfriend was with him if she had brown hair. The father seems to be for the "American dream" of blonde hair for the girls. Also, the girlfriend is part Jewish, which I found cool, and I'm part Chinese-Indonesian. That was very unnecessary and done for fun. I'm not in total trouble, but it's like I can't focus sometimes and can't make a point.
My Videos
Hooray! It might be time to get a new account ... though I could transfer my blog, though I have a feeling I don't have to. I like starting over, and I just do if I get a new account, often.
I'm yawning.
Anyway, my videos seem kinda lame. I liked the ones from the night before, better.
Now that my brother's home, I guess I'll be spending more time alone in my room. Normally, I'd be sleeping now, in this case, too.
Who'd care about me, online? I used to be interesting, more. Now, I'm not, in a way. The proper thing for me to do would be to eventually fall asleep and, then, go jogging, though I feel too sluggish to attain that end.
I'm yawning.
Anyway, my videos seem kinda lame. I liked the ones from the night before, better.
Now that my brother's home, I guess I'll be spending more time alone in my room. Normally, I'd be sleeping now, in this case, too.
Who'd care about me, online? I used to be interesting, more. Now, I'm not, in a way. The proper thing for me to do would be to eventually fall asleep and, then, go jogging, though I feel too sluggish to attain that end.
If I could, I would go back to sleep.
I feel somewhat fulfilled online. I was just up. I was thinking my alarm would work. Maybe, I can catch up on "The Secret Circle" or watch videos with Viggo Mortensen in them. Oh yea, I wanted to watch Grease.
Alarm Clock
I just sent my dad an e-mail to get me an alarm clock. I ran out of money getting the vampire costume.
Oh no!
My cell alarm didn't wake me up again. I was supposed to go out for Mother's Day with my family for lunch!
I thought it was really set up.
I mean how parents are of an older generation, not the same generation.
Me as a Baby
I think I got in trouble in that picture of me holding my hand out. That was what I was talking about earlier tonight. Ugh. I'm a bit tired|sore.
I'm gonna pick an outfit for tomorrow and take a shower|bath.
I'm not sure when I'll be back, but I want to sing.
So, as far as guilt goes, my day was a little flawed, though I still got through. I think things will be better, tomorrow. I just have to deal with it.
I think me taking a shower and getting ready and doing more singing and talking on video will make me feel better. Sometimes, I wonder who all is watching this. I watch it. It's probably too much for the average onlooker. It's probably overwhelming to find I did it. I know that I get better each time I do it, though. I saw my singing was getting better. I kinda just want to sit and watch what I did already and maybe not record so much this time. Sometimes, it's fun to sing a lot. The talking gets tedious from me for some reason. I haven't been talking as much lately. It might have used to have been better, not sure.
I guess I just have to be ready tomorrow.
I regret how the days haven't gone perfectly, for different reasons, but for some reason I'm still holding on.
Okay, I'm gonna go take a shower.
So, as far as guilt goes, my day was a little flawed, though I still got through. I think things will be better, tomorrow. I just have to deal with it.
I think me taking a shower and getting ready and doing more singing and talking on video will make me feel better. Sometimes, I wonder who all is watching this. I watch it. It's probably too much for the average onlooker. It's probably overwhelming to find I did it. I know that I get better each time I do it, though. I saw my singing was getting better. I kinda just want to sit and watch what I did already and maybe not record so much this time. Sometimes, it's fun to sing a lot. The talking gets tedious from me for some reason. I haven't been talking as much lately. It might have used to have been better, not sure.
I guess I just have to be ready tomorrow.
I regret how the days haven't gone perfectly, for different reasons, but for some reason I'm still holding on.
Okay, I'm gonna go take a shower.
Settled
I'm settled about parents's ages. I guess you just think of it in a different way at some points, though essentially things should be the same. I am a little concerned about having an older mother, I guess, though. It seems like people with a more older mother than otherwise possible often have to go through something else. I'm guessing they feel more or aren't afraid to feel things and feel them the right way, though people with young moms are probably pretty polished and spick-and-span.
Norwegian Day
So you don't get confused with the party dates if you want to know and look it up, I'll just tell you it's highlight May 17th.
Parents's Ages
I can see little things people with parents of different ages can change for the better that is an aspect of me.
Older Parents
Thinking of my parents as older would make me feel like I'm part of a program for kids. It's because of how developed they are, yet that kids are kids, basically. With younger parents, you feel more like a baby and not a part of some complicated program where you think a lot instead of live. I don't know if people with younger parents really live, in a funny way I think. I'm sure they do. I think it just depends on the parents. It's not fun to turn off because your parents aren't old-fashioned with those roots. It's sad to see the kids of yesterday grow up and not really live. At least, that's how I feel.
Hllary Duff's Parents's Ages
Father: 2010 - 64 = 1945|1946 - now 65|66 - had her at age 42|43
Mother: 2010 - 57 = 1952|1953 - now 58|59 - had her at age 35|36
That's the perfect age to have kids! :)
Mother: 2010 - 57 = 1952|1953 - now 58|59 - had her at age 35|36
That's the perfect age to have kids! :)
Hillary Duff's Parents's Ages
Father: 2010 - 64 = 1945|1946 - now 65|66
Mother: 2010 - 57 = 1952|1953 - now 58|59
Mother: 2010 - 57 = 1952|1953 - now 58|59
For some reason, I didn't withdraw.
I failed 2 semesters at my 1st college, but, 5 years later, they granted me withdrawals. They didn't give me withdrawals, at first, because the rules were different and I think some of the people there were different.
I came home from college in 2006.
I did a short course in the area in later 2006, and I did college online in 2007 but quit withdrew early on in my 2nd semester. I failed the 1st semester because I didn't feel well and took a lot of courses.
Where did all the skinny, perfect babies go?
I remember seeing babies that looked like people. They looked like young babies. Actually, come to think of it, I think I only saw one of them, but who knows. They were so smooth and intelligent. It was a girl. So, I don't know if I've seen the likeness, otherwise. I've seen some beautiful young girls and gentlemen. It's hard to remember. They seem to have, like, a slimy layer of fat, though. I mean, I know we all have fat, but it's just this certain look that used to exist. What happened to all these people? Have they retreated to their homes? I can imagine all the beautiful people out there who are not famous and who I've never met, not having seen many active profiles, online.
When I Lived in a New Orleans Suburb
Here's a picture of one of the people there visiting with people int he city I lived in.
Apparently, at least 2 of the people in blue shirts are foreign volunteers to the city.
You can click on the picture to make it big: article
Here are more: picture picture adult at my high school plus lived in Eastern Texas prior supposedly this person picture.
Something else to note is that the Saints won the Superbowl 2 times ago, but they stopped having dance teams at that, too.
Here are people from Orlando: 1 2 3.
Here's me coming home to just moving to Orlando because of a hurricane in the New Orleans area from going to college at the top of the county in the mid east: picture.
Apparently, at least 2 of the people in blue shirts are foreign volunteers to the city.
You can click on the picture to make it big: article
Here are more: picture picture adult at my high school plus lived in Eastern Texas prior supposedly this person picture.
Something else to note is that the Saints won the Superbowl 2 times ago, but they stopped having dance teams at that, too.
Here are people from Orlando: 1 2 3.
Here's me coming home to just moving to Orlando because of a hurricane in the New Orleans area from going to college at the top of the county in the mid east: picture.
Why do people think being bad is cool?
They think it shows that the world can be diverse in feelings for others so they don't go crazy and to foil them.
Bad Things
They were bad things, but I never said anything too bad to someone's face, like cursing at someone I don't know well. I don't do those things, anymore. Sometimes, people like to say bad things. It's too bad I had the inkling to. I know I was set up by those who "punish" me. People treat me funnily, and I had a hard time trying to finish college and didn't. I'm stuck at year 1.
Akwardness
I got the feeling to say something awkward 5-10 times, and, though everyone knows I don't do things like that, they don't seem to understand. Ever since I was a baby, people could tell I was not perfect. Things weren't as cute in the 80s for people like me.
The 1st Time I Felt
I think I was in trouble when I was a baby. I used to be able to do things without feeling anything, I know. I guess my mom is like that. My dad made me feel something, like kind of warm and tired, when he held me because of how I acted. I didn't like it. I guess, since then, I've felt things.
Something else, I think my hair started getting darker after this one day taking pictures of me at the playground when it was blonde at the ends. It seems my eyes turned brown when I was 4 and it looked good.
It makes me curious how others's lives are put together.
Something else, I think my hair started getting darker after this one day taking pictures of me at the playground when it was blonde at the ends. It seems my eyes turned brown when I was 4 and it looked good.
It makes me curious how others's lives are put together.
I hate it when I have to do a real one.
Because people think I can't make a point because I thought a couple wanted me to call their daughter the "n" word online and I also felt pushed by other people to do it.
Do you want to know something that became very suggestive to me when I was very young?
She's trying to be like everyone else.
Photobucket...
...I can't use the same e-mail address on a new account! So, I might get all new accounts, though, if I want, I can transfer my blog.
Younger People
People who are about 13-18 right now seem to be made to feel better just because of their age and their parents's ages.
Friday, May 11, 2012
I'll be here in awhile but might take a shower before I do Twitter and other things.
I have some pictures to load.
What's essentially wrong?
So, what's essentially wrong with me following suit in calling someone the "n" word like they asked?
Getting to the Bottom of It
It seems like it's important that I stay awake and improve myself as much as possible. I need to get to the bottom of this.
Why blame someone?
I wonder if people were pretending to make themselves look bad. Why blame someone?
Words Words
Why would people not want me to realize the truth as punishment?
Also, the issue is that I need to think through things. It changes my thoughts. I have to use words.
Also, the issue is that I need to think through things. It changes my thoughts. I have to use words.
Breakthrough
Wait until you see my next videos of me talking. It's like magic. Reality still exists.
Old
I seem kinda old for my age, though I look like a teenager. That's natural at 25, to look like a teen.
I can't stand it! :)
Actually, I can stand some things.
I so wish I didn't think a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online.
I so wish I didn't think a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online.
I guess some people are scared.
Some people are really religious and care what will happen to them ultimately.
So Happy
My dad wants me to go to bed early, which for me means not 8 A.M. That's just for today. I have to get ready to go, too, but I feel like I've sung enough for tonight.
I'm in biiig trouble. Big trouble. :)
You know how people try to be Chinese or Oriental???
Well, I don't.
Well, I don't.
Illusions
I found out what wasn't really happening. Clearly, it's all in my head.
Some people just do certain things to deal with the facts they have to face.
Some people just do certain things to deal with the facts they have to face.
@justinbieber - You're doing so well!
Wow, that was a wonderful interview, Justin! You're doing so well! I'm glad your video is doing so good! You have great prospects, for the future. :)
Okay
I feel bad when people try to make me feel good about thinking a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word.
I wonder if I should tell the police.
I wonder if I should tell the police.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Oh, if you were wondering why I still use YouTube...
...videos take too long to load on Facebook. I wonder if I should move to MySpace. I don't know how long it takes videos to load there.
A Tone of Voice
Well, I definitely had a changed tone of voice. I was being overly-assertive, in a way.
Eating
Well, I guess I'm gonna start eating supper again, though I didn't yesterday to give my brother private time with my parents on his 1st day back, which was a mistake because I got in a fight with my grandma kinda. She just kept trying to get me on edge, and I didn't feel like being as bubbly and spoke maybe with a little tone. So, anyway, I'm still eating now. Later!
Ugh
I guess my mom's here, so I can't eat lunch alone. I don't know what I'm gonna do! I think something when wrong and people have to be at me. Mainly, though, I want to give my little brother private time with my parents. If it was just my parents, I'd probably feel more comfortable.
Commercial
I saw this girl who looked like a woman get hung up on a tree. That reminds me of me before I moved to the New Orleans area, but I don't think I'd feel as awkward as I think she did. She looked youthful. It's neat how there's stuff to feel in the New Orleans area.
I also noticed Sophia Grace and Rosie on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" seem similar, which disappointed me. Maybe, they're just like that or just a little.
I also noticed Sophia Grace and Rosie on "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" seem similar, which disappointed me. Maybe, they're just like that or just a little.
I feel soo bad.
My grandma did make me feel like I was meaner than I was. I just disagreed with her, and I did talk louder but sounded happy with myself when I said it. I know she did it on purpose, though.
Sophia Grace and Rosie
Wow, they are so cute! It's interesting they're cousins. The youngest one is actually pretty young. I wonder how kids learn to talk.
I used to want kids soon, but now I don't. :/
I used to want kids soon, but now I don't. :/
Watching "The Ellen DeGeneres Show"
I can't believe she just gave a massage to someone. I wouldn't like to be patted all down my butt. I'm surprised it's not illegal.
Today
Maybe, I should have some lunch, after this.
I dunno. I wanna go back to bed. I have barely enough money for if I wanted a vampire costume to see Dark Shadows. I decided not to get a costume because for some reason I got other stuff.
I wanna sing, but, at the moment I'm not in the mood, of course.
Okay, the TV show is gonna be on. It's an hour.
I dunno. I wanna go back to bed. I have barely enough money for if I wanted a vampire costume to see Dark Shadows. I decided not to get a costume because for some reason I got other stuff.
I wanna sing, but, at the moment I'm not in the mood, of course.
Okay, the TV show is gonna be on. It's an hour.
Ughhhhh
Stop with the suggestions. People like threaten others's lives if they're not mean to me. They do it in a tacky way, too. I can't believe this! What is going on? Why do people decide to do this? Did they miss the message?
Woke up Before My Alarm
I woke up to see "The Ellen DeGeneres Show." My dad wanted to get me something I could use to record TV shows in my room. My brother's home, so it's nice to watch it when it comes on, rather than later.
I just woke up.
I was awake for, like, a day and a half, but, for some reason, I just woke up after only about 5 hours. I can't wait until I see my psychiatrist for a lower dosage of medicine that I take every day instead of a lot every 3 days. You know, I don't have to take this. I could not take it, at all. Eventually, that's my goal.
What It's Like to Have an Older|Younger Mother
I want to know! I got the impression people with young moms are really dizzy or loopy or something and that ones with older moms lose track of things.
Me Through the Years - Re-Added Another Photo
I re-added a picture of me when I was maybe 17: http://cb-me-through-the-years.weebly.com
Part of the Mystery
Part of the mystery of revealing yourself online is biding your audience. I found that people will use any information against you, you know to publicize.
I don't recommend watching my videos.
The ones I loaded of me talking today look boring and I didn't watch them.
Huh
I was also thinking I got lonely a lot. A lot. The. Story. Of. My. Life.
I guess I'll go catch up and watch my YouTubes of me talking.
I guess I'll go catch up and watch my YouTubes of me talking.
... my "personality" ...
When I was 9-19, I used to sit with my hand covering my nose or maybe like right now on my mouth. Supposedly, it was why I used to get pimples.
BIG Problems D:
So, I didn't eat with my dad BECAUSE I didn't take a shower...
Then, I took one while supper was getting ready and then went back in my room.
I didn't eat and talked to my grandma like an airhead and couldn't think. She seemed to feel more guilty. I was so mad about my nose! I still am, but at least I'm alive. I don't think she has the, what would you say, guts to take it back.
Then, I took one while supper was getting ready and then went back in my room.
I didn't eat and talked to my grandma like an airhead and couldn't think. She seemed to feel more guilty. I was so mad about my nose! I still am, but at least I'm alive. I don't think she has the, what would you say, guts to take it back.
I know what my problem is.
I get on a roll and seem to make bad decisions when I'm really just reacting. I suppose I could have other outlets. The problem is caused by things like bad hygiene, diet, and living habits.
Micro-Analyze
So, if I'm proven guilty, though not technically guilty, does that mean it doesn't matter even what happened prior to me thinking a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-older online the "n" word?
Touchy-Feely
Whooh. I guess I get upset if someone makes fun of my relationships. Funny that happened to me before I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online.
What I'm Doing
I'm watching my old videos and will probably eat and sing some more. I dunno, though, I have to watch myself talking, too.
Where I'm From
I am really made up of where I'm from. I never made much sense out of the New Orleans area...
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My parents both came in separately and said hi to me again.
My dad told me how good my singing and watching my singing videos for about 24 hours was. Well, I guess it's not quite that much, but I've been hanging around with a lot of this that long. :)
Both my parents came in and said hi to me.
After like yelling at my grandma who was really trying to make me upset, by talking for a long time in a very low lowering voice, they said hi to me.
What I'm up to Tonight
I'll probably do something on the internet.
Anyway, I'm e-mailing now. I'm at a blank. I might blog about my frustrations. Mainly, it seems to be about things getting ruined.
Anyway, I'm e-mailing now. I'm at a blank. I might blog about my frustrations. Mainly, it seems to be about things getting ruined.
I think my grandma feels bad.
She tried to sound stern when she said goodbye.
If people mess with me too much, I will attack. I know they can startle me and make me feel different sensations... for strange or no matching reasons? Hm... I dunno, I dunno ... where the path of guilt leads me on. It does do things to me. I think I'm fine. If someone wants something, I care. Like, some people think certain things of me that matter. It's hard to get by like this. I guess some things in this world just get done, and I'm not the one who starts them!!! :)
If people mess with me too much, I will attack. I know they can startle me and make me feel different sensations... for strange or no matching reasons? Hm... I dunno, I dunno ... where the path of guilt leads me on. It does do things to me. I think I'm fine. If someone wants something, I care. Like, some people think certain things of me that matter. It's hard to get by like this. I guess some things in this world just get done, and I'm not the one who starts them!!! :)
My grandma is so mean.
She made me not feel for the pointy bump in my nose!
She started talking so low I couldn't hear, so I yelled at her and hung up.
She always sounds liek
---
She called back. Things were going so perfectly until this. Now what? My brother just got home, and I've been especially staying out of his way with my parents. My dad like called me out and said he was just saying hi. I told him my grandma got mad at me for not eating all day and staying in my room singing. I told her I'd eat. Oh well, things got better I guess. She was cornering me with her values of eating.
She started talking so low I couldn't hear, so I yelled at her and hung up.
She always sounds liek
---
She called back. Things were going so perfectly until this. Now what? My brother just got home, and I've been especially staying out of his way with my parents. My dad like called me out and said he was just saying hi. I told him my grandma got mad at me for not eating all day and staying in my room singing. I told her I'd eat. Oh well, things got better I guess. She was cornering me with her values of eating.
I'm thinking of letting my brother eat alone with my parents.
I can eat the leftovers. He's home just for school break, the summer vacation. He's also gonna go some places, I think, and maybe work, dunno.
Preference Punishment
I would rather be called the "n" word than be molested.
I guess it could come out. I don't want to be responsible for the person doing it feeling bad about doing it, though. I guess they would think it was right because I was foolish enough to think a couple wanted me to call their daughter the "n" word online for fun. I think it was just for in case I did because it seemed they were following me online and trying to make her be the epitome of all I am instead and in situation or something. You know, it's like they have a feeling against me because of my race but don't want to admit it. They even symbolically called me the "n" word for saying something a little awkward or impolite. At least, I think that's what the message includes.
I guess it could come out. I don't want to be responsible for the person doing it feeling bad about doing it, though. I guess they would think it was right because I was foolish enough to think a couple wanted me to call their daughter the "n" word online for fun. I think it was just for in case I did because it seemed they were following me online and trying to make her be the epitome of all I am instead and in situation or something. You know, it's like they have a feeling against me because of my race but don't want to admit it. They even symbolically called me the "n" word for saying something a little awkward or impolite. At least, I think that's what the message includes.
Things to Talk About
I don't like taking an opportunity of a bad situation, like giving it attention. My life is set up to be pretty complicated. There are lots of things to talk about. I know people won't like to talk about my problems.
My grandma wasn't there.
I couldn't leave a message, neither, so she must be on the phone. I probably won't go to sleep.
I guess it's good that I call my grandma.
She's really helped me grow as a person, but I thought it was also for her to make her feel special. Sometimes, I anticipate it, but we click when we talk. We talk every night and do a Bible reading and supplement.
It's really kinda because I thought the parents wanted that.
They acted like it. Plus, it was on a friendly board with a few people who understood me and with a popular of my many accounts. I deleted and regretted it, right away. If I were feeling better, I wouldn't have done it. I was already fed up with the racism online. I wonder why suddenly everyone hates me if it was supposedly okay. I wish I didn't listen. I don't want to say they did it, neither, because that wouldn't be nice, but I think the father fesses up he did send that influence. That's good the mother can be at peace, I hope.
The Good That Has Come of It
People think that things were so bad that something had to give. Really, lots of people seem to like it. They just don't like me. I cared enough to wonder what the people I did it to were thinking and listened to what they said in the way they give a message. I know they were worried I'd chose to do it, so told me to. I think, like, it's like in the mental hospital when I think 2 African-American guys were fighting. One called one the "n" word, and the fighting stopped. I think this was the mother's idea. She knew I stomped in front of a kid at the mall maybe and was worried someday we'd meet and I'd accidentally hurt her daughter. So, she thought I had to get it out. I don't agree with that. Kids also aren't supposed to be rude and send you on a guilt trip. This was before this happened, too.
It's easy to affect the mind of someone younger.
Don't do it. Teach them to be strong 1st, instead. I really had something going.
There is also the idea that I am very guilty of 1 thing and others, but the 1 thing that's big is that I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online just to make it seem more fun. I didn't want to, but that's what they wanted, it seemed. I thought I was given a specific message. Unfortunately, a lot of good has come of it, it seems, but I prefer that it didn't happen.
There is also the idea that I am very guilty of 1 thing and others, but the 1 thing that's big is that I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online just to make it seem more fun. I didn't want to, but that's what they wanted, it seemed. I thought I was given a specific message. Unfortunately, a lot of good has come of it, it seems, but I prefer that it didn't happen.
Being Set Up to Lose Everything
People who don't want to be movie stars seem to get mad easily. They think that they can set you up to lose everything you have. I'm not really one to wait when I already know the answer, neither.
Singing!
I'm watching my new video of me singing Adele's song and will sing again now that I feel fresh.
Okay, I'm done with my shower!
Now to see how my video turned out. I wonder if I'm too tired for supper. I wonder when I'll go to sleep.
I'm not worth following.
Clearly, I need some time alone. I wonder if I should take a shower. I have some new pajamas. I didn't sleep all day, so I don't think I should go jogging.
I always knew, though I do something to impress people, that I'm not all that interesting. I bet I would be if my life were in order. Hey, I can post on my blog about that, but that's not fun to read. I kinda wish I had something to read. I can watch parts of "The Ellen Degeneres Show" online in my room. I should figure out something to do on IMDb, like what kinds of things to post, too. It seems I just need some time to recollect. On the days I don't take psychiatric medicine, I tend not to sleep as much. It doesn't feel good, though. I wish I got online sooner or later because sooner I would not be quite as overly addicted all of a sudden now, and after I might have had my life together. I didn't have as much hope for anything good to happen to me when I 1st started.
I always knew, though I do something to impress people, that I'm not all that interesting. I bet I would be if my life were in order. Hey, I can post on my blog about that, but that's not fun to read. I kinda wish I had something to read. I can watch parts of "The Ellen Degeneres Show" online in my room. I should figure out something to do on IMDb, like what kinds of things to post, too. It seems I just need some time to recollect. On the days I don't take psychiatric medicine, I tend not to sleep as much. It doesn't feel good, though. I wish I got online sooner or later because sooner I would not be quite as overly addicted all of a sudden now, and after I might have had my life together. I didn't have as much hope for anything good to happen to me when I 1st started.
Disastrous
I wonder if I should start writing more in my blog and filming myself less and doing it in the bathroom where you can see me better or if getting 3 new light bulbs will help. I guess I'll try with the 3 new light bulbs. I need to get in better shape, too. I'm asking my psychiatrist for a lighter dosage of medicine rather than how my dad and I decided I'd take this higher dosage every few days. I might take it every day then, but ultimately I don't want to be on it. I'm just doing it for my dad, at this point, and no one can force me to take it.
Ooh. 8|
That Adele video I did was disasterously bad. Some of it was funny to me... I'm gonna try recording it from further away...
Guilt
Why do people want you to repeat something you thought or said by accident as though you meant to decide to say it to them?
Wow
I just got over watching my videos. :/
I was gonna sing a pop song, but ... don't they sound like classical songs a lot of times. How about Adele?
I was gonna sing a pop song, but ... don't they sound like classical songs a lot of times. How about Adele?
What I'm Doing
I'm watching my videos, and, if I'm alone or the TV is free maybe, I'll watch "The Ellen Degeneres Show" at 3.
I'm uploading some new videos of me talking.
I'm uploading some new videos of me talking.
Good Points
Why do people think good points are punishable by death? There's no reason to wait. Some people don't have answers. They might be the cause but not on purpose.
I always dreaded being famous.
I was worried I would end up following that path when I was a kid. At one point, at around 9, I tried to make that decision, that there was not 1% of a doubt.
Something Special
People think that a balance in the middle is not very white. They think if you are concerned you mustn't be white. They already know and make that as the excuse. They don't realize that they are closer to the other extreme than you are and that they are jealous of that extreme and that there are varieties of things that don't have to be aligned with any stereotype.
Stereotypes
I notice that people of certain stereotypes, or at least one, follow the same rule. It's funny I find it's a way to counter the opposite in them in "what" they say.
"What" I am is not the same.
"What" I am is not the same.
Stereotyping a Culture
I guess people who move out of state early on or later tend to stereotype the 2nd culture.
From Florida
I don't really need people telling me what my thought process was. That's not something we do in Florida ... because I'm from there now.
Making Me Do Things
People focus on doing something bad to me, making me react when they don't want me to and paying me back with a bad thought.
Trickiness
So, if you knew right away that someone had a problem with something you thought, you could probably get out of it.
Oh, do you know ... where you're going to?..
Did you know people get mad when they find someone who is part Native American indian looks more white than someone who is part Jewish and the rest European?
Conspiracy
People think I need to be taught a lesson for getting thoughts and for feeling bad when bothered about nothing. I don't like that people are affecting my thoughts.
This "Gift"
Am I just a fake stereotype? That's like saying you're better at doing something without really doing it.
Petitioning
I don't like the way people's lives are based on petitioning against me thinking I don't have an all-knowing-ness of what's important as a human being.
Attitude?
Why are people so adamant about my attitude? People do things to affect me. Does that mean I need to be trained not to react, at all? Am I defiant? I guess not as much as before. I think it depends on how I'm treated.
Tonight
I'm watching some stuff and doing laundry. I have to sew my ballet slippers. I wanna eat something.
Fooling
People are fooled into thinking of what is right, but things get very boring and wrong in general.
Same Person
People just don't get I'm still the same person after a couple creatively had me listen to their fantasies to funly call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word. No one would care enough to get into that. I know if I had a better lifestyle just a little bit more, I'd dismiss it as silly for good.
The New Orleans Area and Texas
People from the New Orleans area don't find Texas as shockingly good as I do, me being from both elsewhere, Florida, and the New Orleans area.
I rule over as superior.
It's better to let things going, obviously, than to tie them up the wrong way.
People in Orlando are sick.
I was able to feel for my eyes the right way, but for some reason my head feels tall but more permanently than before. I wonder if my brain is even that big because it's not really working. It's not worked the same since I went overboard with doing too many things at 16, though those things weren't clubs like when I was 15. I was also fasting and dieting. I got fat after my aunt put me in the mental hospital. I mean, I don't know. I might have been a little fat before. I ultimately got fat when I did 2 ballet programs in 1 place for exercise because they didn't do much other than things other than leaping. I also got fat again after I was put in the mental hospital by the police for throwing things and screaming. I was there a month. It was neat getting out for the 1st time in awhile, but it wasn't good. It's a place that doesn't have comfort. You sit out in a room all day and do nothing. I couldn't take it when I went back again once for a day. I couldn't even sleep that time, though nothing really bad had happened to make it that way. The time before was more okay though too long and was when I thought a couple wanted me to call their daughter the "n" word. I didn't do that to her again. I'm refraining from using bad words now, though. People have been mean to me. Things were okay at one point recently, too, but got worse again after the mental hospital for a day. If I go back, my dad won't let me come home.
Quick to Judge
It's funny how people think of something and then act on it, trying to do what they saw someone else do. It's too bad they feel bad about it. I thought most people were able to look at the big picture. Sometimes, it's hard to know what people want and what's right to do, but it's funny the way things work out in time.
Waiting
If you're supposed to wait for something to get better, why would someone else make it worse?
I feel so bad.
Even after I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word, life could have been more together. I think I've pulled through. I feel like I've been pushed to think or feel some bad things. I don't know where I went wrong. I just reground myself. I feel so worn from visiting those doctors last week, having to wake up every day to do something 6 days in a row, when I'm recovering on a sabbatical and have found some grounding in how I function online. I know it's been 5 years, but still. It seems like it's been longer.
I just saw someone singing the national anthem...
...for an ice hockey game I think where a boy was holding up signs on what the words were. LOL!
Okay, it's time to watch "The Ellen Degeneres Show."
It's so cool! For some reason, I like watching her... It's fun posting to her on Twitter, too. }:D
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
The Store
I was going to go exchange some things, but now I don't know if I have to. Maybe, I'll wait and see.
I've been sleeping.
I might go to the store tonight. I'm still tired, but I might go jogging. I'm also calling my grandma, as I do every night. So, as usual, I'll be online and watching TV around midnight. Tomorrow, my brother is coming home from college, and I don't know when he'll be up. So, I'm not sure when I'll be watching TV. Hopefully, I will start to be awake during the day. I do like being up at night, though.
I'm really all for being rich, though.
I've already decided that. I just want peace and to be out of trouble. Like, it'd be nice to have a big place all to yourself. It'd be nice to not have to work. You'd be away from people. I would fear people who I see in services, though.
Not Doing Things in an Attractive Way
I know I can't always turn on because it's hard, but I exercise and eat well.
Skin Color
My skin can look tan or light. For some reason, the flash is making it look pretty light. My hair is pretty dark. My hands are pretty dark, though. It's fine, though. I like being dark and light. I always thought people liked to be light, naturally. I suppose models would be dark. It must be hard to get an acting job if you're light, but I dunno. I think people would be interested in people with very light skin, too. I wanted to be light at one time, but then I was zealous over being dark. So, now, I'm not as light. Though, I see my picture I look white. Before, I was pink, though. I remember seeing in the news pink politicians, but now are they all tan? That's too bad. I guess whoever ran with Sarah Palin was pink, but Sarah is tan but with brown hair. I bet, if she didn't live in Alaska, she'd have darker hair. I did have even fairer features at the time when I was up north. I came back with fairer features.
You know what they said on "Hardball" once?
Will the real Mitt Romney (sp?) please stand up.
Did you ever hear of the song|rap, "Will the real Slim Shady, please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?" It's from 2000. Not too far behind its time.
Did you ever hear of the song|rap, "Will the real Slim Shady, please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?" It's from 2000. Not too far behind its time.
Awareness of the Past
I can't do that. I can't stand that.
All my problems come from racism and making me feel tippy. I do weird things. I don't know what to do because I haven't taken care of myself. I used to have certain goals. I learned I was bad because I both wasn't white and was privileged, the 2 going together. So, I didn't have those goals anymore. I was unaware. I get surprises. These things are all things in my head, though, nothing real.
All my problems come from racism and making me feel tippy. I do weird things. I don't know what to do because I haven't taken care of myself. I used to have certain goals. I learned I was bad because I both wasn't white and was privileged, the 2 going together. So, I didn't have those goals anymore. I was unaware. I get surprises. These things are all things in my head, though, nothing real.
Okay, I just finished watching "The Ellen Degeneres Show."
Wow, it was neat seeing all those people.
Empathy
I feel so bad. I got some store credit cards, where you spend money and pay later like $50 a month. I thought my parents would pay, but they don't have the money to spare for it. So, it's just a bill I owe that I have to pay if I work. Anyway, I have stuff I shouldn't have... I'll never know what it is to be poor. It's not the same. It's not the same as earning it or knowing what you need.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Out for the Evening|Night!
So, I'm going to the store with my dad. I'll probably come home and jog. Then, it's my daily call to my grandma! I'll be on Twitter by around midnight and probably be up on IMDb and my blog. Also, I'll watch "The Ellen Degeneres Show" tonight after midnight.
Glasses
I got my new glasses, today. I was supposed to get my new contact lenses, but I wasn't using my practice ones and so had to wait.
Crazy
Supposedly, I don't count because I'm a crazy half-Chinese who can do anything with little substance.
Subduing|Avoiding
I guess, sometimes, I just can't help certain things from entering my mind. However, I have the choice not to let it get to me. People think there's always feasible end in sight.
Drudging Along With the Guilt
If only this didn't happen, I might be happy. I mean thinking 2 parents wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word.
I'm not entirely sure if people are over it with me. I think not. I might be able to coast by without interacting much, but people in Orlando always want to interact in a strange way. Actually, it's nice to hear the cars go by, but, in real life, people are funny. A lot of them actually are pretty Orlando cut and polished, but nobody's perfect.
I'm not entirely sure if people are over it with me. I think not. I might be able to coast by without interacting much, but people in Orlando always want to interact in a strange way. Actually, it's nice to hear the cars go by, but, in real life, people are funny. A lot of them actually are pretty Orlando cut and polished, but nobody's perfect.
Feeling It
I've been treated pretty trashily, you know, if someone "feels" like it, since 2 parents wanted me to call their 2 -year-old daughter the "n" word.
I thought it was wrong to be suggestive.
I thought that kids are bad because it's just a mood. I'm not terribly bad, and if I seem so I'm just trying to poke fun, though I suppose there's nothing in it. I feel I've lost freedom. I do want to be good, though, and am happy my parents are helping me achieve that dream.
So, I'm watching "The Ellen Degeneres Show" online.
There are 3 videos from what's going to be today's episode.
There is an African-American lady from mid|northwestern Pennsylvania with 3 kids, but she's a single mom. She's here for Mother's Day week. She struggles and can't pay for her kids at things like book fairs and field trips and feels so bad. Something else is she's so happy she gets to watch "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" every day! Wow, she so deserves to be on the show. Technically, the live studio audience also sees her every day, I presume.
Anyway, so she gave another family a car. I would feel embarrassed about a car. Ever since I was like 11, actually, I've shied away from luxury. I lived in the oldest city in the U.S. and wanted to wear old-fashioned dresses and boots. It became a fixation, and I fasted when I was 16, though it cost me my grades and sensibility at school. Oh, and, actually, it's more like a truck. We started getting nicer things when I got older, and sometimes I felt like grumpy about it. I shouldn't have acted that way. I remember dreading the idea of ever becoming famous and well-known, as well, but, for some reason, now I don't. It does seem sad, though. It's not that I want a traditional job in business. I just want to experience certain things. I don't think I will. Pretty much, if you want to be an actor, you probably have a good chance because people are so open and the acting industry is so easy and there's so many movies and other opportunities, like modeling, when which you could move up to be in movies. It seems like there's not room for everyone, and we focus a lot on what's in the movie theaters, maybe, or, at least, I do.
Okay.
There is an African-American lady from mid|northwestern Pennsylvania with 3 kids, but she's a single mom. She's here for Mother's Day week. She struggles and can't pay for her kids at things like book fairs and field trips and feels so bad. Something else is she's so happy she gets to watch "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" every day! Wow, she so deserves to be on the show. Technically, the live studio audience also sees her every day, I presume.
Anyway, so she gave another family a car. I would feel embarrassed about a car. Ever since I was like 11, actually, I've shied away from luxury. I lived in the oldest city in the U.S. and wanted to wear old-fashioned dresses and boots. It became a fixation, and I fasted when I was 16, though it cost me my grades and sensibility at school. Oh, and, actually, it's more like a truck. We started getting nicer things when I got older, and sometimes I felt like grumpy about it. I shouldn't have acted that way. I remember dreading the idea of ever becoming famous and well-known, as well, but, for some reason, now I don't. It does seem sad, though. It's not that I want a traditional job in business. I just want to experience certain things. I don't think I will. Pretty much, if you want to be an actor, you probably have a good chance because people are so open and the acting industry is so easy and there's so many movies and other opportunities, like modeling, when which you could move up to be in movies. It seems like there's not room for everyone, and we focus a lot on what's in the movie theaters, maybe, or, at least, I do.
Okay.
Processing Your Reaction
So, if someone makes you mad, supposedly, you're bad and can't process your reaction?
Nowhere is all nice.
Orlando itself isn't the only place that has to be bad. I probably had a hard time adjusting.
Orlando is not England.
I always thought it was the reason for my problems. I wonder if they ... no, they literally just want to get it out. They're not mean to me for fun.
Anticipation
I can't believe there is no answer to 2 parents wanting me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word online 1 - 3 years ago and I deleted it quickly. I'm just guilty? Oh no! It doesn't really make sense to me. I just know, if I thought they wanted me to, that's grounds for not even acting like I did it on purpose, which should be forgivable. I'm pretty sure Jesus would forgive me, but Jesus also is a bit strict and probably would give me a punishment, even if I think I'm sorrry.
Talking
I always was mad I had nothing to read. Now, I post on IMDb. You know, I used to go through e-mails very quickly. It was the same with IMs. Now, I have to be very careful in everything I do. It's laborious. It's just not the fastest way to communicate.
The Difference Between the New Orleans Area and Northeastern Florida
When I had only lived in southeastern and northeastern Florida, I had one view of reality. I did go up north to visit relatives in southwestern New York state and northwestern Pennsylvania. Anyway, it was kinda like a feeling of never living but functioning. When I moved to the New Orleans area, all of a sudden it was different. It was hard, at first, maybe. It just felt more physical. When I went to Cleveland for college during a hurricane, that was the most physical I've ever felt. I even experienced magic. It was just a dream come true. New Orleans was the most real place I've been to. Florida is kinda dreamy...
No Offense
Oh, so some people are offended at people who have something in common but who are essentially very different and even the opposite.
Suffering
Can you believe some people are so bitter they don't care about human suffering unless they have to?
Suggestions
I'm tired of people being suggestive to me because I've always tried to be perfect and succeeded. Why do you think I'm seeing all these ghosts, now?
I'm tired of other people's problems!
I don't need to be babied into things. I don't need to be given suggestions.
Overly-Excited
I can't believe how excited people are to even totally knock out their kids if they're not mean to me because 2 parents wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word. What part of it wasn't me doesn't make sense, yet?
Losing Interest
I'm glad I'm losing interest in some things, like being stimulated like I'm still 3.
Some Things
Some people really don't get some things. It just goes over their head in a certain way.
A lot of people experience things in their own way before they see you but get mad they don't also experience them in the way you do.
A lot of people experience things in their own way before they see you but get mad they don't also experience them in the way you do.
Still Filling Out
It would be ideal if I could perform a different practice, but, at 25, I'm still filling out. I wonder what happens to people when they are older.
What Matters|Counts
Some people have total control over what happens. I wonder if that comes with practice. That's what I've found. I didn't like being lots of different ways. I finally was who I wanted after a long time. I don't understand when I moved that I started to look so different, though I started to change before when I knew I was leaving. I was somewhat miserable already.
Good and Bad
I was literally giving up something when the parents wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word. Certain kinds of people should feel sorry for me, but normal, good people should be more avoiding and critical of me. I shouldn't be getting attention for it. I'm kinda trying to forget it, and, in a way, I have, somehow.
I mean, like, bad people should feel sorry for me. It's just the feeling I get.
I think about it more and realize that there's always another answer to that. It's just that there's always something else.
I mean, like, bad people should feel sorry for me. It's just the feeling I get.
I think about it more and realize that there's always another answer to that. It's just that there's always something else.
I guess I was right.
Some things aren't just "there." It's true. I can be right. You have to figure them out.
Need to Let Up
It's not so bad when I say something because I never had problems with anyone before the parents wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word. That's my only problem. :| I know some people are over it, but it's dangerous to be on my side in any way. It's best to let up.
What's the point?
No one spends life torturing anyone emotionally, even in prison before execution.
If someone had a misunderstanding like I had, it's a big thing. Worse, it wasn't a misunderstanding. It was true and something not everyone chose to agree upon and control the decisions of concerning others, letting them think the other person is guilty and letting them be queasy about it.
If someone had a misunderstanding like I had, it's a big thing. Worse, it wasn't a misunderstanding. It was true and something not everyone chose to agree upon and control the decisions of concerning others, letting them think the other person is guilty and letting them be queasy about it.
Understanding Me
It's interesting when someone understands you. I don't get it, though. If everyone is so adamant I did something wrong, how can this be? No one understands me, mostly. It's a bit strange. I suppose I lived life away from my own parents with all I had with school and stuff. It's funny when that's "what" someone does. That might be a bit touchy. It's too bad when something important goes wrong...
Senseless
I guess if you hurt yourself once, you don't hurt yourself again because that part of you is already numb.
It's not an excuse for everything.
When will people learn it's not an excuse for everything? I mean that 2 parents wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word.
I guess it was thought that people were being bad like me, which I wasn't in what I actually thought was wanted, and that it wasn't acceptable. I don't mean doing the same bad thing. I just mean also being bad. Before, it seemed everything was right but me. It doesn't consume me.
I suppose some people still see the facts like it's true. Perhaps, I was right that people thought using curse words was fun. People are letting people get away with racism and all sorts of things. I don't understand that. They should tell people not to do that but not punish them for it if they never correct them because maybe they don't know. How can people see me as good when others don't? It's like the higher up you go, the more people want to make an excuse to prove me innocent.
I guess it was thought that people were being bad like me, which I wasn't in what I actually thought was wanted, and that it wasn't acceptable. I don't mean doing the same bad thing. I just mean also being bad. Before, it seemed everything was right but me. It doesn't consume me.
I suppose some people still see the facts like it's true. Perhaps, I was right that people thought using curse words was fun. People are letting people get away with racism and all sorts of things. I don't understand that. They should tell people not to do that but not punish them for it if they never correct them because maybe they don't know. How can people see me as good when others don't? It's like the higher up you go, the more people want to make an excuse to prove me innocent.
How You Look
Just because you feel too old compared to someone else doesn't mean you look as classic or old-fashioned because you want to when you don't.
Dealing With It
So, what? Does everyone think it's so important that some people wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word that they have to react like they're mad at me when I'm not the one who wanted it?
Younger Fathers
Hm... I've been thinking.
I feel a little disgusting as a person.
I guess I would be different if I had a different mom. I feel like I'm separating the facts, now. I don't like being treated like I'm a sexed up version of my dad. I'm his daughter. I function like a kid. I didn't do the things he did. He's not a kid.
I feel a little disgusting as a person.
I guess I would be different if I had a different mom. I feel like I'm separating the facts, now. I don't like being treated like I'm a sexed up version of my dad. I'm his daughter. I function like a kid. I didn't do the things he did. He's not a kid.
This has gone too far.
So, people are training their kids to go against me? Not all are. I think I have Orlando spellbound with my sensation of attractive-ness.
Tied Up
I guess people got tied up in their thinking of me and so are unable to get me into new trouble in how I act and think.
Hm.
People are being nicer to me, anyway. I guess I was right. I'm staying out of weird things. I have a lot to learn in decision-making.
Someone to Follow
If this 1 poster didn't delete himself, I would have always had someone to talk to.
Visions - Concerned
I'm concerned about where the 2 visions I got came from. I should have known the 2 parents were wrong in literally wanting me to call their 2 or 3 year old daughter the "n" word. I had a vision 1st of the father literally wanting me to do that in a certain way, like it felt physical when I thought it, the person, and then I envisioned the mother upon reading that post, except with her I know exactly how it goes.
Actually
Actually, someone posted something and made me think that. Good thing I check out what people are posting on the boards I post at. I seem to be getting popular for once in my life.
Oooh.
I'm trying to be interesting. Wait, why did I say that!
Anyway, I realized that the person really did want me to use the "n" word against them if at all possible, but here's the secret. This person wanted me to call the daughter that, who was like 2. So, how do I feel now and what makes my crime so punishable? It was online, not face to face, and I deleted it, and it wasn't even on their board nor with my main of my many accounts.
Anyway, I realized that the person really did want me to use the "n" word against them if at all possible, but here's the secret. This person wanted me to call the daughter that, who was like 2. So, how do I feel now and what makes my crime so punishable? It was online, not face to face, and I deleted it, and it wasn't even on their board nor with my main of my many accounts.
Trying to Get a Job at Disney
I tried to. They said I wasn't outgoing enough and seemed to think I couldn't get a research job.
Big Cities in Rural Areas
I just realized that these places are upstanding and go for the ideal in modern for some reason I don't get. I think it's a lie and made up.
Crying
Not really, but I felt wanter inside my eyes.
How could anyone really know what I did wrong? I'm guessing I'm punished, but I'm too old to be affected by that. I can be affected, though, and I am.
I guess it's already in place who I am. I guess it would affect someone to know what I'm doing and feel they'd do the same thing. I think a lot of people feel that. Most people aren't nice about it then, though. I just had to learn the hard way.
I suppose it would be tacky not to go on to something else. So, what led up to this disrespect? Okay, okay. So, I came back to Orlando from college in New Orleans sometimes, having moved because of the hurricane. I went to Sea World, and I saw this cute sting ray bite another one that could have attacked it. From then on, I started attacking with bad words in a funny way that fit in. For some reason, I got into trouble. I spent money my parents gave me. That's what really started it. Then, one thing led to another. Then, there's this, that, and the other thing. I hit the wall, I mean not bad but once. I don't remember if that was before or after, but probably before, I thought Johnny Depp wanted to be called "stupid." He just acted like it. I didn't want to but got mad and thought he was racist. No one saw, though. I posted it on a board I made for him, and it showed no visitors. What harm is that? It's wrong I did it. Anyway, other than things like that, I seem to have forgotten all I've done. That sting ray is probably dead now. It was so cute. I've lost a lot of opportunities online. College is a bit scary now that I think of all the ghosts I'm seeing. I wish I just stayed home now.
How could anyone really know what I did wrong? I'm guessing I'm punished, but I'm too old to be affected by that. I can be affected, though, and I am.
I guess it's already in place who I am. I guess it would affect someone to know what I'm doing and feel they'd do the same thing. I think a lot of people feel that. Most people aren't nice about it then, though. I just had to learn the hard way.
I suppose it would be tacky not to go on to something else. So, what led up to this disrespect? Okay, okay. So, I came back to Orlando from college in New Orleans sometimes, having moved because of the hurricane. I went to Sea World, and I saw this cute sting ray bite another one that could have attacked it. From then on, I started attacking with bad words in a funny way that fit in. For some reason, I got into trouble. I spent money my parents gave me. That's what really started it. Then, one thing led to another. Then, there's this, that, and the other thing. I hit the wall, I mean not bad but once. I don't remember if that was before or after, but probably before, I thought Johnny Depp wanted to be called "stupid." He just acted like it. I didn't want to but got mad and thought he was racist. No one saw, though. I posted it on a board I made for him, and it showed no visitors. What harm is that? It's wrong I did it. Anyway, other than things like that, I seem to have forgotten all I've done. That sting ray is probably dead now. It was so cute. I've lost a lot of opportunities online. College is a bit scary now that I think of all the ghosts I'm seeing. I wish I just stayed home now.
Ghost
2012-05-07 - 2:54 A.M. - I was typing at my computer about how I thought someone wanted me to call them stupid and I didn't but got mad when I thought they were racist. I saw a white fuzzy irregular circle float at a downward incline above my computer screen. It looked like some of the ghosts they show frequehtly on "Ghost Adventures" that try to blend in as dust.
Ghost
2012-05-07 - night - I was jogging and know when I was looking down I saw a black figure. It was big and was like a rectangle with a triangle cut out with two triangles on the side sticking out at the top and bottom. For some reason, I have the illusion that the top and bottom are small, like 1 1|2 feet. It might have been 10 feet long and 5 feet wide. This startled me. It gave me the feeling of it like quickly bouncing from side to side. It was quite black. I really saw this.
Ghost
2012-05-07 - night - I was jogging and know when I was looking down I saw a black figure. It was big and was like a rectangle with a triangle cut out with two triangles on the side sticking out at the top and bottom. For some reason, I have the illusion that the top and bottom are small, like 1 1|2 feet. It might have been 10 feet long and 5 feet wide. This startled me.
Movie Star
What would be nice about being a movie star would be that I could take a break. I can't see myself wanting to be in more than 1 movie every year or 2.
More Generous
Because of my looking into my problems, people seem to have like backed off. It's a wonder what's come over me. I think people are getting tired of bothering me with not thinking. Maybe, the food is helping.
I don't like 2-sided things.
I wonder why doing bad things is considered cool but is cause for alarm. I don't mean very bad things, just things that aren't good.
My Nose
I guess, sometimes, my nose looks big, and, sometimes, my nose looks smaller. At least it's a strong nose. }:] You know what I'm thinking.
I think I just lined up my "evening."
I don't know what I will do for a purpose in life tonight, though. Maybe, my shower'll do it. Why not sing?
The Problem
The problem is just that I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word! I know I'm always right. I was set straight as a baby.
Me Not Thinking
That's funny. I don't think that's possible. I know who in my life thought up that one for thinking someone wanted me to call them the "n" word. Like, I'm surrounded by this aura that I can't process anything unless it's for unraveling a criticism. I've learned not to curse, but this world is just impossible.
I just watched a bunch of episodes of "The Ellen Degeneres Show."
I watched all the episodes with Reese Witherspoon. I don't mean to be too forward, but Reese Witherspoon was born in New Orleans because her father was going to school there. She moved to Germany for 4 years and then Tennessee. Ellen Degeneres is from a suburb of New Orleans. I lived in a suburb of New Orleans when I was 12-19. It hasn't shaped who I am much. Well, Ellen Degeneres moved to Texas when she was 16 but went to college in New Orleans. So did I, but I didn't finish and we moved because of the hurricane. So, I was pretty much as mature as I ever was when I was 11. I wonder if it's because I moved that I stopped. I did change and have personal experiences, but I was alone a lot. I felt identity-less. I ended up looking like different types of stereotypes as the years went on. I did develop as an adult there and got into personality, like from books, because in Florida before I moved I got into the quizzes in popular magazines. I started things like theater and got back into some ballet. I was very busy in high school, but I wish I weren't, now. It was kinda worth it, but I should have not stopped eating healthily in high school. I think my mom tried to stop me, but I was unstoppable. I thought the little lunches they sold were cute, and I never had the main meals in the cafeteria because I had clubs at lunch. The main ones I hold onto in memory are drama and laureate, which were quite awesome the 1st year, for me, actually. Things were sorta okay the 1st year, but I wasn't into the right things. I followed my roots of liking all the arts and became a romantic type, actually. 1 saving grace is my holding onto my nasally voice. I think I've always had 1. It's just an attractive way to be, and I'm selfish enough to achieve it is all. No one takes me seriously, though. Maybe, that's why. I sometimes try to sound like I can get out of it, but I can't. It's a real stuck thing. I don't play with it alone, neither. I think if I never moved to the New Orleans area that I would be playing with it right now. Okay, I'm back. What was I talking about?... Oh, yes, New Orleans. So, I don't know what train of thought I was on. I guess my problem was always food. I dieted when I was almost 16. It was hard. I ate like natural foods and stuff. I did get pretty skinny. I had another phase of being healthy when I was 18 and 19, too. I ate a lot when I was 18 of healthy food. When I was 19 and home from college for the summer, I slimmed up some even more. I was getting more sleep. I came home from college and got more sleep later on, but I had gained a lot of weight from doing ballet instead of the gym and not eating extremely healthy. So, anyway, I guess I needed more food, but I was was 16 and wanted to be a princess, not a tomboy. I guess I should have just eaten more healthily more often and changed my schedule to something else. My mom made good supper. She packed me good lunches, too. I lost a lot of sleep so at the time didn't prepare my own food much.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
A Little Less Social
I had something happen in my sleep that made me not feel the same. I guess it's similar to what I experienced when I was awake. I just feel a little less social. I do still feel like interacting and thinking. It's just different. I feel inhibited in what I do. It's fine. I just have to deal with it.
Why do people think something "needs to 'happen?'"
It's because they are caught in guilt, ironically. I guess it just keeps getting worse and worse. What can that mean for the people on top, that life has become purposeless and period-based?
What can we do about the situation?
Things were okay before, but sometimes they are a little annoying.
People seem to forget what they just said.
I don't really want to come off as mean...
Anyway, I don't know. I try not to let things get to me.
I was about to do something else today, too.
Anyway, I don't know. I try not to let things get to me.
I was about to do something else today, too.
Why do people think something is happening to me?
I am fine with what happened. I just don't like the way people have turned and treated me. I bet people think I deserve this. I bet they're even glad it happened. I feel uncomfortable, anyway, though.
People act like none of this ever happened.
People just act like none of this ever happened and start to act mean toward me, like there's something I did wrong that they don't want to deal with and that they'd even prefer to let me do it then have to intervene.
Cursing
It is also true, I know, and others should already have known that I was already taught to let lose and use words like "stupid." Also, people were being racist to me.
People acted like it would be heaven if I used curse words because I could use them in attractive ways, not disgusting ways. This was like a big dream. I know it. People thought I wasn't okay. That set with me awhile. People weren't all nice to me, and I got called to the counselor and kicked out of my major.
People acted like it was just a cute way to be and a flaw. It set with me for many years. Then, I was told all this other stuff, like that it was good to be bad almost.
People acted like it would be heaven if I used curse words because I could use them in attractive ways, not disgusting ways. This was like a big dream. I know it. People thought I wasn't okay. That set with me awhile. People weren't all nice to me, and I got called to the counselor and kicked out of my major.
People acted like it was just a cute way to be and a flaw. It set with me for many years. Then, I was told all this other stuff, like that it was good to be bad almost.
I guess...
I guess I'll just keep looking prettier and improving in different ways. Eventually, I will have a place in the world. I'll get surprised at the good things that are bound to happen to me. Some of this stuff has really worn off, as well.
I guess.
I mean, I was willing to think outside the box in the process, but why did this have to happen?
The answer is not that a conspiracy exists, neither. I guess I just have to get used to it.
The answer is not that a conspiracy exists, neither. I guess I just have to get used to it.
So, what about...
So, what about this thinking I'm genius to think someone wanted me to call them the "n" word stop?
You can't torture me for that!
The reason I thought someone wanted me to do it is already proven. It proves that you can't torture me for that!
No Fair End in Site
It seems that the only answer is to make me suffer, but why not admit I thought someone wanted me to do it and that you're not supposed to torture people?
So, the main issue with me is...
...that it's not okay to feel sorry for me.
Some things do come up, like that other people are bad anyway and can't catch on and do bad things.
Some things do come up, like that other people are bad anyway and can't catch on and do bad things.
Taught to Feel the Guilt
I have a feeling people want me to be callous. Why can't people get this out of their minds? I guess it's what's important today. When bad things happen to me, people don't seem to care in the same way and definitely not at this scale. I am a bit bewildered. I know it's also so nothing bad happens to me, but I don't like this about me. I just wanted to be some obscure person online. I know there is no way that anyone even saw me do it other than one or two people I know kinda. I mean it's possible, though. It just didn't seem like it.
I am convinced.
I am convinced that just because I was nice enough not to think it was weird someone wanted me to call them the "n" word that I did it and that no one else would because they're too mean to think outside the box.
I was looking at a picture of how vulnerable I look in today's society. Only one thing is going on, you know, and it can't be fixed.
I was looking at a picture of how vulnerable I look in today's society. Only one thing is going on, you know, and it can't be fixed.
Hmm... ?:
I'm getting into trouble, I think 3 times now, for thinking of the word "kill," like to kill someone. People know. I grew up with everyone saying, "My mom's gonna kill me," so it just comes out. I've managed to twist my anger and it doesn't happen much. I don't think I've given people reason to want to kill me. Someone online said that, but we were in total rapport he wouldn't. I think it was an African-American boy. I just said, "You can't find me." This was on a virtual world chat place. For some reason, I haven't been getting that angry lately. There's so much in the past I wish I could alter. I think that would set me well, but I'm also taught not to look back like that. Nothing can happen now. It's kinda funny to think someone would want to kill me. It's just because of all the crazy ways people have been treating me since I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word, though. Okay, so, I guess it's true that people have been saying to use it in a friendly way, and that's what I did. There were no disgusting thoughts attached. If I had gotten more rest and were feeling better, though, I wouldn't do it because it's silly.
Why Oh Why
I'm thinking of all the things I did wrong. I wish I felt I was cool. Why did people act like I was such a bad person? I was so disturbed when I was called to the counselor at age 16 and kicked out of my major at age 19.
People even praise them.
They just feel sorry for who they are, you know, their background, history, and real life situation.
Big Bullies
People are always worried someone will decide they should poke into someone and suggest things that should never be suggested.
Helping Me Along
Well, it's become a big thing that if I make a point maybe it should be ignored still, though I think for some reason we don't have that problem as much anymore, like my thoughts day-to-day. It happens online, though, on IMDb. So, if someone helps me along in my "complaints," I guess that's reason for further analyzation.
Who am I? No, WHAT am I?
Am I just the product of thinking someone wanted me to call them the "n" word? I was getting up and at it when that happened. I guess it had to be included in my life. I've been good in a way, but I've had episodes, like not so bad lately though. Like, it's just I dunno, I don't even know if it's anything. I know this discipline existed before the incident. Why wasn't this a big deal before? I know the issue was floating in the air, and I think it's silly someone wanted me to do that. Really. It wasn't good for me, neither. It's only taken about 2 years, though, not 3 yet. That's hard to believe, but those 2 years mattered. Things are better for me healthwise now, somehow. I've had things happen, though. Like, things happen to me more than the curse words that have popped into my head recently, maybe.
I wonder how much I should regret going to college in New Orleans. I dunno. I just regret not taking 12 hours. I used to always post about what I wish I did. Let me get into it again.
I think even before I started, but I dunno, that it was said that Music Education is the hardest thing, and I was focusing on even more than just that. So, that rules out that dream. Basically, it's about performance and music education is more of a factory job.
Another nice thing I learned on my own was that the Bachelor of Music requires less general studies courses than the Bachelor of Arts in Music.
I'm thinking voice, but then I think of how I was recommended out of the College of Music. That's strange. I really went on a journey to another world when I did music up north during the hurricane semester. I don't regret anything I did other than going downhill in it because of my environment, like construction.
It's funny, there used to be a new building of the Music Communications Complex. Also, people often doubled in Communications and Theater. I guess I was set along the right path. I was too young, though, to realize what was good for me, for some reason.
Also, the ballet program was too much for too little. The college next to it, where I used to eat sometimes later on, had a dance major, but I just wanted ballet.
Now, it's a big thing that it's Theater Arts and Dance, too. The only dance program, though, is a minor in Ballet.
My mom told me my organ teacher asked why I didn't go into science. Also, my organ teacher said she'd keep teaching me organ. Later on, she said I could do whatever I want. She was from New Orleans but lived in the suburb where I lived. Her husband I think owned a hotel. She used to live in a popular neighborhood next to my piano teacher, who was in her 70s, from the Bronx, was Italian, and got certificates at Juilliard. When we had the adult choir party, though, she had a very expensive house. I think the rug over her bed was over a million dollars. I've never seen a place as nice as that. I think it all smelled like wine and made my head pump when I got home. I've never drank alcohol.
I know I took a hard course in high school and my grades dropped and I wanted to make up for it by doing honors in college, which turned out to be less work than non-honors courses. Major courses tend to be easier, too.
Voice would have been fun, but I don't want to be cut and sold into opera. I was thinking voice and ballet, but how would I take less courses that way? I guess it doesn't matter. That's what I wish I did, though I learned a lot from piano and organ.
So, here's the master plan:
Year 1 Semester 1
1. Recital Hour - 0 cr. hrs.
2. Freshman Voice Lab - 0 cr. hrs.
3. Major Ensemble - 1 cr. hr.
4. Voice - 2 cr. hrs.
5. Theory 1 - 4 cr. hrs.
6. Technology for Music Students - 0 cr. hrs.
7. Ballet - 3 cr. hrs. - I wish I dedicated my senior year of high school to ballet instead of splitting it up with gymnastics and music school. When I went to college, I was put in the 2nd & 3rd levels my 1st year.
8. Minor Ensemble - 1 cr. hr.
9. Honors General Studies - 3 cr. hrs.
10. Honors General Studies - 3 cr. hrs.
Total - 17 cr. hrs.
I guess I just had to lay off the sweets and pizza my 2nd year. I wonder if I could still fit in time to work out. I used to eat a lot of snacks, too, but healthy snacks like crackers and cheese.
So, that's enough of an idea for what I did.
I wonder how much I should regret going to college in New Orleans. I dunno. I just regret not taking 12 hours. I used to always post about what I wish I did. Let me get into it again.
I think even before I started, but I dunno, that it was said that Music Education is the hardest thing, and I was focusing on even more than just that. So, that rules out that dream. Basically, it's about performance and music education is more of a factory job.
Another nice thing I learned on my own was that the Bachelor of Music requires less general studies courses than the Bachelor of Arts in Music.
I'm thinking voice, but then I think of how I was recommended out of the College of Music. That's strange. I really went on a journey to another world when I did music up north during the hurricane semester. I don't regret anything I did other than going downhill in it because of my environment, like construction.
It's funny, there used to be a new building of the Music Communications Complex. Also, people often doubled in Communications and Theater. I guess I was set along the right path. I was too young, though, to realize what was good for me, for some reason.
Also, the ballet program was too much for too little. The college next to it, where I used to eat sometimes later on, had a dance major, but I just wanted ballet.
Now, it's a big thing that it's Theater Arts and Dance, too. The only dance program, though, is a minor in Ballet.
My mom told me my organ teacher asked why I didn't go into science. Also, my organ teacher said she'd keep teaching me organ. Later on, she said I could do whatever I want. She was from New Orleans but lived in the suburb where I lived. Her husband I think owned a hotel. She used to live in a popular neighborhood next to my piano teacher, who was in her 70s, from the Bronx, was Italian, and got certificates at Juilliard. When we had the adult choir party, though, she had a very expensive house. I think the rug over her bed was over a million dollars. I've never seen a place as nice as that. I think it all smelled like wine and made my head pump when I got home. I've never drank alcohol.
I know I took a hard course in high school and my grades dropped and I wanted to make up for it by doing honors in college, which turned out to be less work than non-honors courses. Major courses tend to be easier, too.
Voice would have been fun, but I don't want to be cut and sold into opera. I was thinking voice and ballet, but how would I take less courses that way? I guess it doesn't matter. That's what I wish I did, though I learned a lot from piano and organ.
So, here's the master plan:
Year 1 Semester 1
1. Recital Hour - 0 cr. hrs.
2. Freshman Voice Lab - 0 cr. hrs.
3. Major Ensemble - 1 cr. hr.
4. Voice - 2 cr. hrs.
5. Theory 1 - 4 cr. hrs.
6. Technology for Music Students - 0 cr. hrs.
7. Ballet - 3 cr. hrs. - I wish I dedicated my senior year of high school to ballet instead of splitting it up with gymnastics and music school. When I went to college, I was put in the 2nd & 3rd levels my 1st year.
8. Minor Ensemble - 1 cr. hr.
9. Honors General Studies - 3 cr. hrs.
10. Honors General Studies - 3 cr. hrs.
Total - 17 cr. hrs.
I guess I just had to lay off the sweets and pizza my 2nd year. I wonder if I could still fit in time to work out. I used to eat a lot of snacks, too, but healthy snacks like crackers and cheese.
So, that's enough of an idea for what I did.
Why can't I just ask...
...will I ever get better? I'm so dreadful of the way people around me are so schizophrenic.
Comfort
Does it give people more comfort to know that they gave up something they shouldn't have for something else?
I'm thinking also that knowing a balanced need is important, but some people have a desire for the extremes.
I'm thinking also that knowing a balanced need is important, but some people have a desire for the extremes.
Still Uncomfortable Around Me - Do I have to crack the case?
I just feel uncomfortable about being pried into. There was a reason I didn't feel like going home from college in New Orleans to Orlando where we moved after the hurricane. I guess this is it. Who knows what I would become if I were here. I still wish I came here and just secluded myself from the world. Time, please come back!
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